


To Her Door

by galaxymir



Series: First and My Last [2]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 80s, Alternate Universe - Domestic, Alternate Universe - Historical, Angst, F/F, Fluff, Ymir's POV, oh and there's a kid!, some sexual content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-10-20 23:01:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10672590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxymir/pseuds/galaxymir
Summary: After a single heartbreak, Ymir changes. Her outlook on life evolves into one that is no longer ignorant to the ugliness that it beholds. But just when she thinks she has done enough to protect herself and her freshly mended heart, that beautiful person she tried so hard to forget comes back just as quick as she left.She gets stuck, crushed, and caught.She falls in love yet again.A Continuation to "Spring Break '71"





	1. Reprise

**Author's Note:**

> chapter one down, many more to go!
> 
> don't forget to give feedback because it really brightens my day.
> 
> hope you enjoy!
> 
> –F
> 
> (EDIT 6/27/17: just got back from NYC, fuck my geography was off lmao)

**+**

  
  Every regret and mistake died with the final hours of 1979, giving everyone the chance to take that single breath of fresh air they had once struggled for.  
  
  I, myself, had no afflictions or past worries.  
  
  I was breathing just fine.  
  
  A cigarette rested in between my wine stained lips as I lied there in a bed that wasn’t mine. Auld Lang Syne still rang throughout the city, it pouring through the windows of the apartment. It was its fifth time around since celebrators weren’t ready to go home just yet. I wasn’t upset by any of this—everyone had made it through another year, another tough decade. I secretly congratulated them and also myself, not that there were any obstructions that tried to hinder me from continuing on the long road, called life.

  As mentioned before, I was fine. All was well.  
  
  I was living large. Well, theoretically, I was.

  I wasn’t rolling in dough or thriving in some newly bought mansion. All I owned was a simple condo that had just the right amount of space, a car that worked when it wanted to, and a job that wasn’t always pleasant but still earned me enough to survive. I was the head director at NYMOMA or the New York Museum of Modern Art. I gave local artists, and some global, the platform to shine and to also learn, allowing them to reach their full potentials. I helped them get the attention and recognition they deserved only so that the dream of everlasting virtuosity and creativity was kept alive.

  Every day, I was surprised just by the fact that I had so much going for myself. Society wasn’t nice. It was harsh and stubborn. It kept people in boxes. I, a female with melanin present in my skin, was somehow able to break free of those constraints and make an actual living for myself, just on my own.

  I stayed humble. I didn’t ever try to throw my minor success into anyone’s face. Especially Grandpa’s. All he ever wanted was for me to be my best, though he never did get off his high horse to say so. I missed him. I knew that he missed me only because he still continued to respond to my many letters. I would let him know about my day before asking about his and he would always write back with the same old kind of bluntness that I’d grown up with. In retrospect, I did begin to notice that I was taking after him in this way. My personality didn’t exactly become sour or ugly. Although, I could tell that I’d grown to be a little bit more...brusque. I no longer saw life as just something that was simple and sweet. It planned to be tough even without the presence of hardships. This clearly meant that I had to be tough too. With my actions and my words.

  I hummed along with the rest of the song until it finally faded away. Soon after this, I began to wonder about the people of my past, the people back home. _Did they make it too?_ Did they still continue to live their lives poorly as they did when I had left them? Or had their lives changed for the better like mine did? These very questions were left unanswered due to my terrible lack of communication. I hoped that I wouldn’t make the same mistake again with the men and women I befriended in New York. I didn’t know what the future held but all I knew was that I was going to keep them in it.

  I kept my inner circles tight which left me with a meager amount of actual friends and a ridiculous amount of acquaintances. I just didn’t want too many distractions. I wanted my life to be a bit laxer even though that was remotely impossible given that my occupation always kept me on my toes.  
  
  Speaking of toes, Sasha, the owner of the apartment, stubbed hers against the leg of the table after she came stumbling out of her bathroom. She brought more ruckus to the room, profanities spilling from her mouth. Her pain was expressed heavily through those many vulgar words. 

  I propped myself up on my elbow and switched on the lamp to watch her lose her mind. When she had calmed down somewhat, I smirked around my smoke. “That’s why bedrooms, living rooms, and kitchens are _separate_ , Sash.”

  “Shut up, you ass,” she whined. She limped the rest of the way to her bed and threw herself down beside me with much force. “It could be serious. It might be broken.” She struggled to inspect her wound, her eyes squinted with her foot barely up to her face.  
  
  “Oh, stop being a drama queen,” I scoffed. I put the last of my cigarette to rest in the pile of ashes that resided in the little glass tray on the nightstand and reached for her. “Let me see.”  
  
  After removing her hands and taking a look at her “injury,” a long sigh left my lips. “It’s fine. It’s not swollen or anything. The world will no longer end and you won’t die.”  
  
  Sasha furrowed her brows, confused by this. “I didn’t say any of that...”  
  
  “But you were thinking it,” I smiled and pressed my lips to her ankle. “Because you’re a drama queen.”  
  
  Her face relaxed only to soon express her annoyance and slight amusement.  
  
  Sasha and I met after I had moved to New York after finishing up my first four years of college in Virginia, my first apartment being across from hers. She was nice and inviting. She would send meals, offer to iron my clothes, share a bottle of zinfandel with me late at night after work and classes. We became friends quickly. Then we grew close, so close that it was hard to tell if we were just really good friends or if we had something much more.  
  
  She lied back once my tender kisses made it up to the start of her smooth thigh. A gasp left her mouth and her hands got lost in her hair. She had gotten it cut a few days prior, the new neck length look adorning her well. I nibbled and sucked at her delicate skin until I was up on my knees. Then, my grip on her leg was released.  
  
  "I didn’t get my New Year’s kiss,” I murmured. “You gave it to that pretty boy Artie.”

  She lost the pink in her face as she rose up to her elbows.

  “Oh...I didn’t know you wanted one.”

  Her response made me laugh. “I’ve been in and out of your bed probably more than anybody else. It’s not like I’ve ever just slept in it.”

  She paused, probably to think, before speaking again. “I didn’t think that meant I had to kiss you.” She said this softly and bit onto her bottom lip afterward.

  She had a point. We did questionable things together but none of that ever established an actual marital-like bond. She didn’t belong to me nor did I to her and for however long we planned to be friends, it was going to stay that way.

  Exhaling, I plopped back down again. I ran my fingers through my hair and put the same hand to the side of my face that quickly grew in heat. “Well...forget about it. It’s not a big deal.” I didn’t want her to think that I was in any way needy or demanding of her attention. But it was too late. She was already looking at me like I was weird.  
  
  All that took up the awkward silence was the blaring of car horns and the chatter and laughter of the dying mass below. The night had been so great for some, for me, it had become humiliating. As I continued to berate myself for having selfish expectations, her soft, gentle hands were placed on my cheeks. I looked up, seeing that she was upright also, and met her brown eyes.  
  
  “I never said I didn’t want to kiss you, ‘Mir.” She was soothing with her words, her voice silky and serene enough to give me shivers. She brought herself closer so that she sat comfortably in between my legs, her own tightly wrapping themselves around my waist. “You always try to act so hard, but time and time again, I always get you so hot and flustered.” The smile she wore was bright enough to light up the rest of the room. It made me smile, laugh even. She leaned in and brushed her lips against mine, an arrant tease that made me suck in a heavy breath to steady the ridiculous pounding of my heart.

  Peck after peck, I struggled to get my body to slow down. She  had me going, racing with the time that flowed, moving with my clouded mind that wandered. She knew what she was doing. She always made me feel less of the woman I thought I was whenever it came to our times of intimacy.

  Just when I thought I was going to be able to take the lead, she pulled away.

  “You wanna unzip my dress for me?” she grinned breathlessly.

  It was a simple task that was being asked of me, yes, but I knew that it was a simple task that would lead to much more.

  “Chanel, huh?” I whispered into the nape of her neck after freeing her from the article of clothing, the black dress tossed to the floor. “I thought you said you weren’t going to take stuff from your dad anymore?”

  She fussed at the feeling of my teeth on her bare earlobe. “H-He insisted I wear something nice. Especially since that party was pretty exclusive.”

  The party we attended earlier that night had been quite the experience. Some local celebrities with their glitter and glam rubbed elbows with other socialites, looking posh and prepped for photos. I was invited because I had been doing something _so great_ for the very complex world of art. Sasha was invited because she was the daughter of Josef Braus, a man of money and charm. He was well known in New York only because he was a big donor when it came to the city. (Not that any of his money did anything to actually help the thousands of people that fell under the top percentage.) She had gone to the New Year’s party in his place, I being her escort and friend.

  Sasha admitted to her spoiledness a few weeks into our friendship. She admitted that there had been times when she would throw fits when she didn’t get what she wanted. She was honest when it came to the vile attitude she used to have on the regular, it putting a strain on her relationship with Josef. She then explained that she made up for her faults by making it clear to her father on the day she turned eighteen that she was very much able on her own. She knew how to work, how to cook, how to make her bed—how just to live. She didn’t need his help or others to perform the basic tasks that came with her own life. She refused his money and refused his gifts unless she had a real need for those things and due to all of this, she still lived in the same building I first met her in, still stuck to the same job she worked at, still made up her own bed—she still continued to live the rest of her many days as she chose, humbling herself and others. She enjoyed the simplicities of life, no longer its luxuries.

  Her desperate pants into my mouth made me aware of the pleasure I was giving her. I kept my eyes on her face and my unoccupied hand where it was pressed firmly against her hip.

  She was beautiful all the time but seeing her in such a state where all of her walls were down, her everything there for just me to see, she was beyond this world.

  Her freshly manicured nails sunk into the skin of my back and arms. Her legs grew tighter around me pulling me close. Her voice rose higher and higher, in volume and in pitch. And when she finally got there, she cried my name out in a way that made me lose my own cool.  
  
  “Shit…” I cursed, my mind, body, and soul, becoming weak without even her touch.

  I rolled off of her to catch my breath, to catch my sense of reality, and to also get at her from another angle.  
  
  “Your neighbors are still cool, right?” I chuckled as I asked this.  
  
  She weakly turned towards me after being brought down from her spontaneous high. She gave me a nudge to the shoulder and snickered. “Stop being cocky. I still have to handle you, Little Miss Potty Mouth.”

  “Like that means anything.”

  After my exhausted response, we got lost in another lust filled frenzy that could have gone on for hours if it hadn’t been for the shrill ring of the phone.

  “Unplug it.” I hissed after minutes of trying to ignore it.

  She ignored me and tugged herself away from my grasp.  She retrieved the phone from its hook and when she spoke, the most normal, unfucked voice came flowing out from her moist lips. I shook my head in disbelief, impressed by her seemingly unique talent.

  It didn’t take long for me to lose focus. I’d quickly gotten bored with her hushed conversation that seemed to go on forever. I sat up again and went for the pack of Newports she kept in her nightstand. I lit one, offered it to Sasha, let her take a couple of hits before taking it back. Our night together ended this way—her phone call was just way too important. I showered there and after dressing, I gave her a parting kiss to the cheek.

  I didn’t live far. With my car, it was probably about fifteen minutes away from Sasha’s. (That's without traffic.) The neighborhood wasn’t the best of the best. It was no gated community or Hollywood Hills, but it was worth the bills I paid. A few known people lived on my block, an actor, ex-model, a once popular groupie. I never saw the individuals with my own two eyes but I heard much about them.

  A majority of the windows on my building glowed with light, a minor few didn’t. Those bright windows belonged to the night owls. They were able to feel accepted that night and that dark morning. No one judged them for being up at the time that they were since they were all able to thrive together, with a celebration or without. I still heard music, mingling and chatting going on and on, as I moved down the hall to the elevator. I grew envious of their parties only because I sensed no snobs or phonies. Just genuine, pure joy.

  I lived on the fifth floor. I would sometimes run into other people lived on it with me, Mr. Levi Ackerman being one of those people. He was usually a quiet man, unless something provoked him to abandon that quality. I expected him to be out, probably telling our fellow tenants, Tim and his girlfriend, Stephanie, that they needed to take their drunken argument outside for the world to see but not for his ears to hear. It happened occasionally—the couple could never just drink without having some kind of dispute.

  The doors opened and there was no heated confrontation displayed before me in the hall. All that I predicted did not take place. All that I could have ever imagined had not been there. The feeling of just not knowing enough or not knowing anything at all dawned on me, the impact of the harsh realization that I just wasn’t prepared enough for wicked curveballs life fired at me grew in force.

  Standing there, not even a few feet away, was my short lived past and her new future, a little girl with hair as blonde and eyes as blue that held tightly onto her hand.

  In the present, all I could do was stare and whisper, _“Why now?”_

  
**+**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy!

**+**

“The past is always tense, the future perfect.”

― Zadie Smith

**+**

 

  That summer of ‘71, I isolated myself in those eyes of blue.

  I was obsessed with her everything—her smile and tears, her beauty and sins. The pictures in my head were all I had left and I did everything to preserve them. With mournful paintings and frustrated sketches, I kept her alive even though she never became dead to me. This unhealthy, odd phase went on for months. I grew lost in the void of nothing and everything. All that I thought I loved, enjoyed, it became less important because of _her._ Hope became hopeless, I became a pessimist because of _her._ No motivation, no emotion. _All because of her._

  Now, even though I was miserable and depressed, I kept myself from hating her. I knew that if I did this, I would’ve only been bringing more pain to my mind, body, and soul. So I still continued to love her. I continued to adore her despite the fact that she broke my heart. 

  It got old after a while. I grew mad because I was always so sad. Everyone I knew was moving on. I, on the other hand, was stuck in limbo. I wanted to live again but the pretty ghost I still allowed to lurk wanted me to stay where I was. I didn’t want to let myself go but I also didn’t want to let her go either. I was struggling. Luckily, someone made it easier for me to decide. My dad, I loved him but not as much as I should’ve, gave me money, just enough of it to get me out of the place that had grown foreign to me. I remember thanking him with tears in my eyes and how caught of guard he was when I did this. Our relationship had always been distant; he was just too into himself and I made sure to keep myself as far from him and his selfishness. His gift made me think differently. He cared about me in just his own way of doing so.

  I left that chilly October after weeks of planning, leaving Grandpa and his old, creaky house and the town I knew like the back of my hand. It was freedom at last. I was able to escape the bounding of a broken heart. I thought everything was going to be just as good as it had been that autumn, but, boy, was I wrong.

 

  My eyes pinned themselves onto her and all that she was. The warm coat that she wore had faux fur trimming, a remnant of the decade we once lived in. Her golden tresses were wild and free. They called my name, called for my hands. I tried hard to ignore their pleas. No makeup was apparent on her flushed face and her eyes, they were empty like the promises of love she once gave me. I recalled the many times I used to wonder if this very woman, who had stolen all of me, was ever going to appear again to bring back my happiness. Now that she was here, finally standing before me, I searched for the happiness I thought would blossom inside of me. Nothing but pure confusion was there for me to grasp onto. 

  She was beautiful, youthful, sweet. Nothing drastic changed about her looks. I will say that she did grow up, though. With the presence of who I figured was her child, she definitely matured. As did I. In the past five years, I began to dress my age only because I had Sasha there to mentor me when it came clothes. The things I liked and didn’t like were altered every so often. From wine to beer back to wine again, light makeup and sometimes no makeup, long books about philosophy to magazines that had no educational value. I went back and forth a lot, the old me and new me fighting to always be me. I got the feeling that this probably happened to her too. Having a child so young meant that all things you used to enjoy turned into things you couldn’t enjoy. I was sure she was smart enough not to smoke or drink or to have random people around for her little girl to take after. I was sure she knew what was best, even if she came to pay a visit so dark into the morning with her sleepy child right by her side. 

  With silence flooding the halls, I felt the urge to say something or anything. I didn’t know how to go about it, though. I scratched the back of my neck and sighed.

  “You wanna come in?”

  She hesitated to nod, but I still took it as an answer. The few bottle openers and keys danced together as I retrieved them from my jacket. Once I made it around the two to get to my door and open it, I glanced back. “Your kid is tired. You can put her in my room. Let her get her rest.”

  I said this not only because I was concerned but also because I wanted us two to be alone. Her daughter didn’t need to hear what we had to say to each other. She needed to stay in the little, ignorant world that was created for her.

  Her little girl was picked up before she walked over. She murmured a short “thanks” as she passed, the smell of her perfume gently wafting up my nose. It was a much more mellow scent, not as flowery as it had once been. Because of this almost heavenly aroma, I knew for sure that she wasn’t same young girl that wore embroidered shirts and pretty hair clips, her pink lips decorated with strawberry gloss. She’d changed her outward appearance, sure, but I had a feeling, deep down inside, that those little special things that made her who she was were still there, waiting for me to love them again.

  I closed the door after following them both in, took their coats, hung them up with mine, then proceeded to make the tension less thick by asking for the little girl’s name.

  “Heidi. Her name is Heidi.” Christa answered.

  I nodded at this, my thoughts going to that Shirley Temple movie I had seen many times as a child.

  Heidi stared up at me with her big, tired eyes like as if horns were growing out of my head. She was curious, maybe afraid. Due to my lack of knowledge when it came to kids, a nervous smile formed on my lips to try to lessen the intensity of her stare. It didn’t work. Her brows scrunched together and she curtly turned away, her head nuzzling into her mother’s leg.

  Christa didn’t notice her daughter’s grabbing hands. She was busy, her attention stuck on the pictures I had up on the wall by the closet. A few them were of me with my colleagues, others were with friends from back home and some family. She kept to herself. She didn’t reach for anything or lean in to take a closer look. Although, she did hover by the picture of Sasha and I for just a tad bit longer before moving on to the living room with her offspring following after. She stood there to take in all of the decor. The plenty of artwork belonging to my favorite artists, the comfy furniture, a big shelf of books and neglected records, the remaining, mindless clutter, more photos of Sasha and I. She was trying to catch up on the life that I was currently living.

  When she finished her quiet observing, she looked back at me. “It’s nice here. You live well.” She gave a smile that was soft. It was gentle and kind, how I remembered it to be.

  I thanked her, not only for the compliment but for also showing me a glimpse of the side I once adored.

  Heidi was tucked into my bed. She couldn’t fight her sleep any longer, her eyelids quickly becoming heavy before they closed. She slipped into a deep sleep, her mother sending off her with a kiss to her forehead. When her soft snores became the only noise to fill my bedroom, we left quietly, allowing the little girl to have her peace.

  Once the door was shut, it became just me and her. We both sat down on the couch, keeping a small distance between us. I folded my hands and leaned forward onto my knees. She kept herself upright, stiff and still.

  She was here for something. I couldn’t ignore this. I looked over, seeing that she was biting her nails. They had once been painted, the red polish in fragments on her fingers. I watched her for a moment then swallowed hard.

  “So...what do you want?” I asked flatly.

  I didn’t intend to sound rude. 

  She froze and took her hand from her mouth. She was taken aback, her eyes wide, cheeks flushed. She was like a deer in headlights, my eyes searing into her soul.

 “I–I don’t want to take anything,” she whispered. Her voice quavered. She was more nervous than anything. I didn’t want her to feel this way though. I wasn’t trying to be intimidating or threatening. I wanted her to be comfortable in my presence.

  “What are you here for then?”

  There was a stillness in the room that trapped everything within it. Time was even still. It had no choice but to stop for her and what she prepared herself to say. She buffered for an answer, a shaky hand going up to push a strand of her hair behind her ear.   

  “I just wanted to see you. That’s all. I know it’s been a while, but I tried my best…I tried.”

  Everything got moving again. I didn’t know if she was telling the truth. All I knew was that she made my heart go crazy. She made it throw itself against my chest, violently, loudly. I was sure she heard it along with the rest of the big world we lived in.  I forced myself to look away, my eyes falling to the carpet of the living room. She was already getting to me and an hour hadn’t even passed yet.

  We sat there for a moment, letting ourselves marinate in the tautness of the situation until she spoke again.

  “I never thought you would end up here in the city. It’s just not your scene,”

  I wasn’t quick to respond to this. I think it was because I didn’t know what to say. She was right, though. Of all places, I chose New York because I knew that it wasn’t made for me. The architecture, the culture, the many diverse faces I saw every day. It was what I thought I needed to get better. And my tough decision to move did actually work—I allowed myself the chance to form into someone different. Negativity had fallen behind, it all shedding and wilting away till it became nothing more.

  She continued, soon being able to speak much clearer. “Heidi and I flew in yesterday. We’re staying with a friend in Brooklyn. He’s always been like a big brother to me,”

  I found the last bit unnecessary. She didn’t have to explain herself. If she was shacking up with the guy either because she was sleeping with him or because they just so happened to be good friends as she claimed, then so be it. I didn’t care. I moved on.

  Well, I’d like to think I did.

  I cleared my throat. “How’d you find me then? Like how’d you find out that I live here?”

  She breathed heavily. “Um, where I’m at, the woman a few houses down is an artist. Nanaba, I think that’s her name. Apparently, she knows you. You two have history together. ”

  I knew Nanaba. Native to San Francisco, the charming blonde was rather versatile than most with her art. With her political pieces and meaningless ones, she had the talent I was in search of. I considered her a friend. Only because she knew so much about me and I her. I had a feeling she gave out my information just so that I could meet the woman of my youth again.

  I didn’t mind this. If it hadn’t been for Nanaba’s nosiness, we wouldn’t have been sitting here, talking in such a civilized manner.

  Christa smiled for the second time that night...or day. (Whichever makes sense to you.)

  “Her kids are cute. Heidi plays with them.”

  At the thought of Nanaba’s energetic children, I smiled also. “They’re wild, aren’t they? How does she keep up?”

  “She doesn’t, but she thinks she does which is all that matters.”

  Her soft giggles took me back to a time when all had been pleasant and perfect. Those memories so precise brought a fuzzy like warmth to my body. It ate away at some of the unsure feelings I had, bringing me to relax.

  “How was your New Year’s?” I asked after.

  She shifted a little. “It was alright. We went to dinner, Heidi, my friend, and I. We didn’t stay out late, though since Heidi has a bedtime.”

  I went to nod but halted. “Why did you bring her here then if she’s supposed to be in bed?”

  “I have to have her with me at all times,” she said this with a shrug. “It’s just better that way.”

  I forced myself to understand her reasoning. She was a mother. She knew what was best. I couldn’t question her.

  We talked for some time until our words trailed off. There was more to be said but we didn’t think to speak anymore. This showed that we weren’t prepared to see each other. At one point, I did open my mouth to ask if she wanted a glass of water. She politely refused. When I asked if she was tired, she shook her head, telling me that she was fine. When she asked for the directions to the bathroom, I gave them to her. After she got up and left the room, I got up too. This robotic way we acted towards each other, I disliked it. Even though I knew the reasons for our odd behavior, I couldn’t act like any of was okay.

  I ignored the need of a drink. I didn’t want alcohol to be the resolution to our issue. I began to pace. From one end of the room to the other, I kept track of my breathing, track of my feelings. A part of me felt dull, another felt overwhelmed, the rest excited because we were finally together again. It was an awkward mix, making me antsy and impatient. I ignored the need for a cigarette. I didn’t want the heavy smell to be intensified. My legs stopped moving when I heard the door open. She came out, seeming to have been shaken up by something. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest and her eyes scattered the floor anxiously.

  “Should I clear some things up?” She was unsteady again. I hated it.

  I turned myself to her fully, my hands shoved into my pockets. “It would be best. I don’t want any more elephants.”

  She swallowed hard and soon looked up at me. Our height difference wasn’t as dramatic as it had once been. She gained a few inches over the years.

  “Historia, call me Historia from now on. It’s my real name.”

  I remembered the name, the way it had been scribbled at the bottom of the page of that hotel notepad. I used to wonder if “Christa” was a nickname or even a persona since everything else she had told me was made up.

  I nodded. “It’s pretty. I like it.”

  Her cheeks grew pink. “Uh, thanks,”

  “Mhm...what else do I need to know?”

  There was a pause, one that made my heart speed up.

  Historia inhaled deeply, her eyes tearing away from mine. “I’m married…”

  She kept it at that. I guess she figured I would be too upset to hear the rest.

  “Hah, congratulations. It must be nice.” I tried my best to sound sincere but failed horribly. She grimaced then proceeded to press her lips together, forming an even thinner smile.

  To hear that she had moved on further than I did, I became slightly jealous. She had been living a life, one that was much more perfect than mine, with her husband and daughter. I was still struggling to keep my own balanced, with work, with friends, sometimes family. It was hard for me but so plain easy for her.

  “Are you sure you don't you want a drink? Because I need a drink.” I said this in haste, my mood now unpleasant.

  She shook her head with furrowed brows. “N–No, I’m fine. I don’t do that anymore…”

  I scoffed. “Anymore? Drunken adventures stopped _after_ you saw the pink plus?"

  Historia’s eyes went wide. She was clearly offended. I wasn’t fazed by it though. When she couldn’t get words out, I continued with my fury.

  “Or wait. Was it when you woke up with a rock on your finger and his cheap ass fucking cologne in your nose? Did all that other irresponsible shit you’ve done stop too?”

  Her face became red. Maybe with anger. Maybe with embarrassment. Most likely both. I didn’t care. I was upset.

  “You know, the ‘fucking with people’s feelings then dropping them like they don’t matter’ shit?” Tears formed in my eyes, all of my heartache putting itself out on display for her to see. My voice began to crack and my hands also began to shake as I kept them hidden in my jeans. She was finally here to hear my suffering and my cries. “A-All the lies and the lies. The shitty excuses. Your stupid fucking alibis...everything.”

  I couldn’t breathe after this. She couldn’t either. For the silent remainder of the time we stood there, we both averted ourselves from each other until she spoke ever so softly.

  “I’ll leave when Heidi wakes up,” Her face and shoulders relaxed and her hands unclenched. “I didn’t mean to...I’m sorry I came, Ymir.”

  I wasn’t listening.

  She went back into my room and most likely got into the bed with Heidi, giving her comfort when she herself really needed it.

  Did I feel guilty for chasing her off? Not at that moment, no, but when the burning rays of sun came trickling through the curtains, I found myself growing sick.

  I had been the ticking time bomb this time and it pained me to know this.

 

**+**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter had A LOT of rough drafts. angst is my thing but only when it's a thousand words or less lmao
> 
> thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy!

**+**

  
  On my shoulders, sat remorse. On my face, was the lack of sleep. In my hands, were a small pair of pink mittens, both knitted expertly with love and care by “Granny.” I had been sitting there at my desk for quite a while with these pretty gloves, letting myself float away with the time I used to fret over. I found them stuffed under my mattress just days after the fiasco. They were tucked neatly into themselves and were placed right at the head of my bed. When I had found them, I thought of it as a mere mistake. Everyone misplaces their items, especially kids. But as I stood there, feeling for the warmth they once held, I realized that they weren’t left on accident.  
  
  She was going to make us try again.  
  
  The only issue with this was that I wasn’t ready to try again. Two weeks had passed and my wounds were still fresh and open. I didn’t want any more salt added to them. I didn’t want to see that same solemn look on her pretty face because I didn’t want to be reminded of my foolishness. I allowed my feelings to overwhelm me again, to influence my actions and words. The last time this happened, it had been a careless confession on the beach. This time, it was a madness made up of nothing but an indescribable pain that burned a gaping hole through my heart.  
  
  This madness caused me to yell at her, demean her, and almost call her out of her name. But still, she was going to make us try, no matter how badly I treated her.  
  
  I put Heidi’s precious gloves away. They were kept safe in one of my drawers along with some of my other belongings; an almost empty container of Tic Tacs, spare change, a couple of pens and highlighters, post-it pads, unbent paperclips, almost dry white out, wallet sized photos of the few people I loved, and so on.  
  
  I didn’t know when I was going to give them back. I did know that Historia wasn’t going to be here for that long. She was leaving sometime in March to go back home to California. She didn’t tell me why else she was here for such a short time. Even though she claimed that she came to see me, I couldn’t help but doubt the truth of her statement. I still had enough time, just a couple of weeks, and I was sure that the whole transaction of me returning what belonged to her daughter was going to be frank. It wasn’t going to be some unconventional version of Cinderella. A pair of gloves wasn’t going to draw us together again.  
  
  This was a certain fact.  
  
  My body ached with an unshakeable tiredness. I hadn’t been able to sleep very well due to Historia, who was like poison on my brain. Once I found myself being able to relax in my chair, I sighed heavily. And just when I closed my eyes, there was a slight rap on the door, causing to me tense up.  
  
  “Hey, Ymir, I brought coffee.”  
  
  It was only Connie, a young intern from New Jersey. He had only been here since September and seemed to be dedicated to what he was destined for—note taking, coffee runs, and making a ridiculous amount of copies when it was asked of him. He was a good guy. Even though he and I weren’t close, I could tell that he cared about the wellbeing of others. There had been times the past when I would come in sick. Connie always made sure to have boxes of tissue and couple cough drops by my side so that I could work more productively and efficiently. Sometimes, he would bring me some of that health nut food from SoHo, encouraging me to try everything on the menu. While I tried to uphold my seriousness when he was around, I still couldn’t help but appreciate his hard work when it came to our budding friendship.  
  
  “Go ahead, come in,” I said, attempting to make myself more alert by bouncing my leg.  
  
  He always kept a friendly smile which used to bother me at first. But after getting to know him, I realized he was just a spirited individual that liked to keep the peace alive wherever he went.  
  
  “I was out running errands for Lynne but then I came across a little cafè on my way back. I got what you usually get. No sugar, just enough creamer.”  
  
  I nodded and took the cup from the carrier. “How thoughtful of you. Thanks,”  
  
  After a few sips of the hot beverage, I sat back again. “Did you sit in on the last meeting? I was running late this morning, missed a good portion of it.”  
  
  “Ms. Brzenska and her agents landed at JFK sometime yesterday. They’ll be here tomorrow to discuss any other possible plans for your showcase.”  
  
  “Good,” I smiled. “Everything’s in line then.”  
  
  Our next exhibition, _Residuum_ , was supposed to showcase the lasting effects of the Vietnam War. Though it ended years ago, it still haunted those who had taken part in it. While every other sane, carefree person spent the seventies getting high and getting laid, Ms. Brzenska spent her time documenting the men and women who had lost everything. Their family, their friends, sons and daughters, limbs, and minds. She even got to meet with families that sought refuge, welcoming them open arms. It was a heartfelt series, one that I knew I had to get my hands on. Now that she was definitely on board, I could take a breather. I had nothing to worry about.  
  
  Well, at least, nothing too serious.  
  
  “Do you need anything else? Or are you good?”  
  
  He seemed desperate, like as if he hadn’t done anything already to make me happy.  
  
  “I’m fine, Springer. You’ve been a great help. You’re doing a great job.”  
  
  Seeing him beam brighter than he ever had before put me in a good mood. I was no longer worn down or grumpy. I was able to function as normal with my worries and woes hidden by this new feeling of assurance all because I, for once, made someone genuinely content with themself.  
  
  Unfortunately, everything shifted just after I started home that evening.  
  
  My journey was a blur, my mind focused on everything but the road. I thought of the gloves. They sat in the passenger seat with my brief case, singing for my attention. I squeezed onto the wheel, something by Barry Manilow humming through the stereo. I grew irritated with the pressure, the pressure to do something with the lost thing I had found.  
  
  It was a constant struggle, my heart wanting one thing, my mind wanting another, and it wasn’t put to rest until I found myself in my humble abode with my face smothered into the mattress of my bed. I groaned as I stretched, my body soon falling limp with exhaustion.  
  
  I then lied there and allowed myself to exist.  
  
  It wasn’t long before my mind began to wander again. My profuse thoughts began to gnaw at my stubbornness, the gloves and Historia being the subject of them. They told me to go and finally do something about my situation but still, I lied there.  
  
  I was a coward, one that didn’t deserve the pity or the praise. It sucked but it was the truth.  
  
  I would’ve continued on like this, wallow in my pain and sorrows, but the phone rang. For some reason, I couldn’t ignore it. Something told me it was important and it needed to be answered. I followed my instinct and finished kicking off my shoes. As I sauntered my way back into the living room, I began to guess. If it was someone back at MOMA, I planned to hang up. If it was Sasha, I would beg her to come over and handle my stress. If it was anybody else, I still planned to hang up.  
  
  I picked the obnoxious thing up and put it to my ear. Sadly, I didn’t get to speak first.  
  
  “She’s been waiting you know…”  
  
  It was Nanaba, of course. I should’ve known. She was the mastermind, the creator of this all.  
  
  “And poor Heidi’s been complaining about how cold her hands are.”  
  
  I wasn’t falling for it.  
  
  “Well then her mother should be a _mother_ and get her some more. She can easily get them from JCPenny’s, there’s a sale and everything.”

  There were some voices in the background, probably belonging to her children. When she got back on the phone, she exhaled.  
  
  “That’s not the point. She wants _you_ to bring Heidi’s gloves back. She doesn’t want to get new ones.”  
  
  If I rolled my eyes, I’m sure she would’ve heard it.  
  
  I decided to keep quiet as she waited for me to agree with her, to follow through with what she asked of me. And while I stood there and listened to her wait, I thought of the worst that could happen.  
  
  I would probably blow up again and lose control, make Historia feel smaller than she already was, then she would hate me and I would hate myself. It would be as simple as that. I didn’t want any of it to become true, though. I wanted her and I to have some peace. At least before another storm hit.  
  
  Time progressed and Nanaba’s impatience did too. “Just do it. I mean it, Ymir.”  
  
  She hung up the phone, leaving me with no choice. At that moment, she reminded me of my Aunt Carol—stubborn as a mule, as stern as stone, unforgiving with her words. If I disobeyed Nana, I was disobeying Carol.  
  
  With a frown, I grabbed the gloves, my keys, coat, and shoes. Then out the door I went, my nerves growing with every step I took.  
  
  
  I had a hard time.  
  
  With every failed attempt I made to knock on the door, I felt a part of me shrivel up with embarrassment. I was intimidated. By a fucking door. It was clear that all passerby could see this. Some showed their sympathy with closed smiles, others didn’t bother to look as I continued to try again and again.  
  
  It was the right house, according to Nanaba, brown stoned like the rest that continued on before and after it. She was only three doors down and from where I stood on the last stone step, I could feel her eyes. She was keeping watch from her open window, her muted eyes now sharp with authority. Even if I wanted to leave, I knew that she would be right on my tail and light into me the first chance she could get.  
  
  I bounced on my toes, Heidi’s gloves held tightly in my hand. Then it was settled. I knocked, ignoring the fancy knocker and doorbell. I waited, my eyes on the concrete underneath my feet. I prayed to whoever was listening. I wanted this all to be quick and easy and I hoped they respected that.  
  
  The door opened swiftly.  
  
  I felt my heart stop and my mouth lose all moisture. I relaxed on my feet after much self-reassurance and brought my eyes back up, expecting the woman I was prepared to see. Unfortunately, it was only a stranger.  
  
  “Can I help you?”  
  
  He was a big buff man, like Arnold Schwarzenegger buff. Blonde hair, narrowed brown eyes. He could’ve been a pro football player or some top notch wrestler with his stern looks.  
  
  I swallowed hard, glancing over at Nanaba. She gave me a thumbs up which didn’t really do anything but discourage me.  
  
  “I, uh, I have something to return,” I finally gave the man my attention again. I feared that if I didn’t, he would say something that would make me do so. I held up the item that was considered irreplaceable and sighed. “These are Heidi’s. She left them a few nights ago.”  
  
  He still questioned me with his expression. I scratched at the back of my neck nervously, searching my thoughts for more answers.  
  
  “They came over on New Years. I’m...I’m a friend of her mother’s. It’s Ymir.”  
  
  He said something that caught me off guard.  
  
  “I know who you are.”  
  
  I felt my lungs tighten up. She told him about me, about what I said. She told him about how rude I was, sparing no details, to turn him against me. I now could guess what he probably did—a bodyguard. He seemed like the type to loyally protect what was his. Maybe Historia was his. Maybe I wasn’t talking to a friend or roommate. Maybe this was the husband…  
  
  I was internally panicking, negative thoughts coming in my the loads. As I began to grow detached from my surroundings out of pure fear and anxiety, I didn’t notice the little hands that pried the man from the doorway.  
  
  “I wanna see! I wanna see!”  
  
  Heidi’s little voice drew me out of the depths of my despair. I looked down at the three-year-old, a soft smile actually forming on my lips.  
  
  She looked up at me with a clueless expression and then at the pair in my hand.  
  
  “My gloves!” she exclaimed in surprise. The last time I saw her, she was a grumpy tiny person bothered by an unwanted wake-up call. She was now as animated as can be, loud with an innocent kind of wonder.  
  
  I held them out to her. “You have to keep them safe, kiddo so that you won’t freeze up.”  
  
  Her eyes twinkled with appreciation.

  “What do you say, Dee?” Mr. Tough Guy asked softly.  
  
  Heidi blinked up at him like as if he was the giant he truly was before cheesing back at me.  
  
  “Thank you.” she sang, taking her gloves and putting them to her heart.  
  
  I nodded. “You’re welcome.”  
  
  She then disappeared back into her childhood without a cue. Blond Man and I were left alone again.  
  
  He knew that I had more to say. His big arms went across his chest of stone and he began to tap his foot. Every three seconds, his spotless Nike came down on the hardwood inside, urging me to let out with it. I clenched and unclenched my teeth as I waited also for my words to spill.  
  
  Cars and bikes zoomed by. Nanaba called for her kids to head back inside. I began to grow sick with the man’s eyes.  
  
  “Okay...Is Historia home?”  
  
  He shook his head. “Nope. She went shopping. Her birthday was on Tuesday.”  
  
  “Oh…”  
  
  To think that Historia was out by herself in a city she didn’t know concerned me. I nibbled at the skin of my lip, letting air out through my nose.  
  
  “When will she be back?”  
  
  “Anytime now.” He shrugged nonchalantly, making me want to frown.  
  
  “Well, you think I can give you my number? So that she can call when she needs to?”  
  
  His eyes continued to bore into me, making me feel more uncomfortable than I needed to be.  
  
  “I don’t know. I’m having a hard time deciding on whether or not I should trust you,”  
  
  I could understand why. I had hurt the person he loved.  
  
  “I can tell,” I replied with a nervous chuckle which brought him to visibly clench his teeth.  
  
  It was apparent that he didn’t like me.  
  
  I was never the person to seek approval from others. I did my own thing, acted of my own accord. I didn’t need anyone’s petty comments or ideas. With this big brute standing here, with his eyes burning through me, I felt the need to tell him like it is. He was intimidating, there was no denying that, but I couldn’t allow him to make me back down. I wasn't going to stop now to boost his ego.  
  
  Exhaling loudly, I pulled my hands from my pockets. “Look,” I pointed. “I just want to make it clear that I’m not here for no reason. I came to bring back what belongs to her kid and I came to see her. And since she’s not here, I’d really, really, really appreciate it if you told her that I came like she wanted me to.”  
  
  He leaned back slightly, his eyes losing their tension. I guess I impressed him. I was able to take a stand in the most passive way I could, getting my point across his thick skull.  
  
  But before I had the chance to celebrate this—my ability to overcome this challenge of a human being—he laughed. He bellowed with arrogance, crushing my spirit.

  "Calm down there, babe. I'll let her know,"

  I bit at the inside of my lip, finally nodding at him and his teasing.  
  
  “I’m Reiner by the way, Historia’s brother in law.”  
  
  He didn’t offer a hand. Although, his name was just enough.  
  
  I looked at him with relief and also dislike before accepting his introduction.  
  
  “Well, nice to meet you, Reiner,” I attempted to straighten out my back a bit more and place my hands back where they had been. I kept my composure as I backed my way off of his turf. “I'll be on my way then. Night.”  
  
  He said no more. He just smiled at as I shuffled off with the rest of my dignity. But when I heard the click of the door, I practically made a run for it. Not out of fear. Just out of sudden joy. I wasn’t going to get my ass kicked for interacting with the person of my past. It got me going again, bringing my confidence along the way.  
  
  I dodged the remaining neighborhood kids that still played hopscotch and rode their trikes in the oncoming orange haze of streetlights in a hurry to get to Nanaba’s. Just as I began up her steps, I found myself feeling satisfied. Reiner and I had come to an understanding of sorts, one that would be kept unspoken. We figured each other out in only a matter of time which I now hoped to do again with Historia.  
  
  We both needed to understand us. How were back then and how were at this point in time. I wished for our second trial run to go by smoothly.

  With no more explosions and definitely, no more tears.

 

**+**


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my apologies for the late update
> 
> had a long flight to the east coast without any internet whatsoever :| then a whole bunch of summer school homework
> 
> but anyways, excuse any minor (or major) mistakes, i'll be sure to fix them all sometime soon once i get my shit together
> 
> sooo, enjoy!
> 
> (p.s. im gonna be in NYC for the next three days so i'm sure i'll have a lot to put into upcoming chapters lmao)

**+**

 

  She called just after the sun rose that Saturday morning. Her voice was stricken with sleep but she still managed to get her message out. She asked if there was anywhere we could meet for breakfast. I suggested a little coffee house located near the bridge, the Brooklyn Bridge. Sighing softly, she shifted around in the big bed she was probably sleeping in and gave a potential time that we could meet. I didn’t turn her down. I didn’t plan on allowing myself to. Procrastinating this, us, would be nothing more than a careless mistake that would haunt me forever.

  We said our first goodbyes and see you agains and when she hung up, I still hung on a little longer. I listened to the phone drone on, its monotonous hum putting me in a whirlwind of doubts. I wasn’t doubting her. I was doubting myself. Could I do it? Could I sit there with her, in public, and discuss the things I forced myself to blank out on for quite some time?

  Despite these painfully loud questions, I wasn’t deterred from our “breakfast date.”

  Stepping into the place of warmth and coffee beans, also known as Dot’s, I realized that I was the one that was late even though I was most definitely early. She was already situated at a small table by the window, minding her own business.

  Time didn’t seem to freeze as it had done before. It continued to go on like the world she watched outside. Unfortunately for me, I was stuck in my shoes and my shoes, they were stuck to the old oak wood that made up the floor. Just seeing her sitting there had made all things within me stop. All at once, in just a short matter of seconds, my heart halted its pounding and jumped up into my throat, my lungs lost the air within them, and my eyes stayed open and put on that head of golden hair.

  Only the clear of someone’s throat was able to bring me back to life again. I didn’t turn to look back at the impatient gentleman. Instead, I tossed back a meaningless apology as I made my way to the oblivious blonde, my steps quiet, my breath soon held.

  She seemed to be perfectly content with her loneliness and I didn’t want to disrespect that.

  It was the call of her name that finally drew her to me. Her eyes widened and then, there was a smile. She smiled at me like as if...as if I was the sunshine and the rain. It was as if she had been counting on my presence to bring her joy and lucky for her, it did.

  “I was just thinking about you,” she said softly as she got up. She smoothed the wrinkles out of her clothes and combed at her loose locks. “And I got hot chocolate for us both. I wasn’t sure how you liked your coffee.”

  I went to brush off her subtle apology but the same barista called out for her again.

  Slightly annoyed, she sighed, her smile still there for me to see. “Let me go get that, okay?”

  I didn’t get to nod only because I was in shock. Her soft hand had brushed against mine when she passed, bringing the heat back to my frozen fingers. I tried to tell myself that it was only an accident, unintentional, not important. However, my efforts didn’t do a single thing to convince me. She touched me I guess to show that she cared and if this was true, then we started anew. She wasn’t upset about New Years’ which meant that I had no reason to worry about how she was going to retaliate.

  I lowered myself down into the chair after sliding my coat off my shoulders. Once I was settled, I looked back to see her at the counter, collecting our drinks and the meal I figured she ordered for the both of us to share. She seemed different compared to when I had last seen her. She stood tall, talked with confidence, composed with her actions. I took note of her and the way she was in that moment and when she came strolling back, skillfully balancing our goods as she did so, I opened my mouth to speak.

  “How...how are you?”

  She stopped to set everything down, her crystal-like eyes moving to mine.

  “I’m fine and you?”

  I swallowed, my heart loud and obnoxious.

  “I’m good. I’ve been doing good.”

  She smiled again. “That’s great.”

  I thanked her for the hot chocolate and muffin once she was seated. When I brought my wallet out to fetch for the money I knew I owed, she responded with the shake of her head.

  “There’s no need for that. I’m good. Just eat.”

  I could see that she was still genuine, her good nature radiating off of her freely.

  She waited for me to take a sip from the warm cup in hopes that I would like what she bought for me. It wasn’t bad, very rich but not too sweet. I smiled at the hint of cinnamon that danced on my tongue, bringing her to also do the same once more.

  “Is it good?”

  I answered her question with a nod. “I didn’t know they served this here. Then again I’ve only been here a few times.”

  She looked away to give the small restaurant another look. “I like it here. It’s cozy. Even though it’s busy, it’s still cozy.”

  The coffee house was, in fact, hectic and buzzing just like the rest of New York. Everyone, even on the weekends, had an important obligation. A good majority of these people were selfish jerks, strewn all about the city, scarfing down caffeine and dry bagels, taking up most of the space on the metro. I remember experiencing my first Monday morning rush. The treading through an overwhelming sea of suits and ties, heavy leather briefcases, and shined shoes made me realize how much it was going to really take me to fit in. Luckily, I had Sasha. She was my guidance. She taught me the way, the truth, and the life that made up this dense, overpopulated city, protecting me from all that was ominous and unsafe.

  Reiner was probably the same for Historia. I figured this because she was able to get here without a problem.

  We didn’t dig in deep right away. Only scratched the surface as we had done before.

  I was fine with this—I didn’t want our business out in the open just yet.

  “Heidi hasn’t stopped talking about you since you gave back her gloves.” she said after picking the blueberries out of her half of the muffin.

  I couldn’t help but think what was on that little kid’s mind, being that I was only a stranger.

  “What’s she been saying?”

  She stuffed her lips and chewed slowly in thought. Then after a few seconds of this, she grinned.

  “She thinks you’re pretty,”

  My face no longer grew warm at just the heat that circulated in the room. I sat back in my seat, almost at a lost for words.

  Historia showed that she was amused by this by smiling brighter, by leaning forward. “She also thinks you’re perfect for a playdate.”

  I scoffed, shaking my head afterward. “I don’t believe it.”

  “It’s true!” she laughed. “I have all the drawings to prove it!”

  The corners of my mouth twitched up into a smirk, a smirk that was too strong to hide.

  “Well, fine. Tell her...that I’ll have to think about it.”

  “I will.”

  Her eyes sparkled as she said this and they continued to do so until the time finally came for us to be honest with ourselves.

  “I didn’t mean to make you upset.” she whispered.

  Our cups were empty, the wrapping to the sweet muffin crumpled into a ball. The cafe was empty somewhat. Only a few diners remained, their noses buried in the New York Times and frothing coffee creamer. I was comfortable now. I could speak without having to look over my shoulder and she could do the same.

  “I shouldn’t have put all that on you like that. You...I should’ve known better.”

  Only then did I notice the ring on her finger. It had a nice rock, one that I would’ve complimented if she hadn’t hidden it from me. She pulled it off and put it elsewhere, an apologetic expression forming on her face.

  “I, uh...forget to wear it sometimes.”

  I ignored her sheepish words only because I began to feel sick. That expensive piece of fucking jewelry still sent me nasty waves of nausea from where it was in her little leather purse, disrupting the peace my body was in. So she was married. Even though she’d already confirmed this herself, deep down, I still wanted more proof. No matter how much I tried to change myself in the years that had passed, I still was naive, in denial all because of the wild beast I called a heart. That glimmering diamond made it more than just clear that I had never been loved by the woman I once dreamed of. Those poorly written words inscribed on that hotel notepad, the ones that broke my heart but suddenly made it new again, they never had any meaning.

  I had just been a fling, a spring fling that fell hard into the dark pit of heartbreak.

  I turned my head away, disgusted and disturbed by my abiding feelings, while Historia shifted uncomfortably. She didn’t know what to do now that I had visibly clammed up.  

  We were back at square one again. We were nervous wrecks that feared to say more.

  This pathetic game of silence went on for a while. It even got to the point that when we made eye contact, we stared each other down. While I searched for better ways to hide my emotions, she was thinking of ways to bring our spark back.

  Historia, the catalyst to all my issues, placed her hand on top of mine. Her thumb rubbed at my knuckles, it revolting but also soothing. I thought to pull away but she spoke.

  “You know, in the days leading up to the wedding, I felt down. Nothing and no one, not even my baby sister, was able to get me out of that dark place. I didn’t know if...if it was cold feet or the new pregnancy hormones. I just remember thinking, ‘Wow, there’s something really wrong,’ and I didn’t know what to do about it,” She inhaled deeply, cupping her face with her free hand as she leaned against the table. “I made it to the altar, though. It was a nice ceremony. Not too long and not too many people. The reception was alright too. But it, uh, kind of went to hell after Reiner introduced me to a couple of his navy buddies,”

  I watched her bite at her lip, her bright teeth sinking into her juicy flesh. She did this for a moment more before asking, “Remember that married couple in the parking lot?”

  It was a vague question but I knew the answer to it.

  “I do,” I whispered back, getting lost in her eyes and in the feeling of her skin on mine.

  I saw the start of another smile on her lips.

  “Yeah well, Reiner was good friends with the guy Eren. He forced us to dance together and had us ‘relish’ the memories we didn’t even have.”

  “Did he recognize you?” I was interested now. The mention of someone from our past had caught my attention.

  “Of course. We laughed about everything, how young we were, how stupid we were. Then...then we talked about you.”

  We stared into each other’s eyes again. I felt my mouth become tasteless and dry, causing me to swallow hard.

  “And after that little conversation, after seeing him and his wife, together with their kids, that same feeling that had been eating me up from the inside out came back again. I think I had a nervous breakdown. Everyone at that damn party still tries to deny it but I know for sure that I did.”

  She paused. I didn’t know what for, though. Still, I let her hold onto me. I let her touch me, grow used to me. I looked back up to her face again only to see that she was zoned out. She was looking for more to say, images she could only see flickering across her eyes. It was then that I felt the need to say more.

  “Was it me? Did the thought of me...trigger all that?”

  It wasn’t my intention to make such a conceited guess.

  Fortunately, Historia seemed to already know this.

  Her smile reappeared and her hand didn’t move

  “All those tears and stuff? Yeah, it was you. I was just really missing you and I didn’t even know it.”

  I knew it was wrong to say that I was flattered. I was flattered to know that I had made such an impact on the woman who seemed like a goddess to me.

  I had to ask the question that settled on my mind. “What took you so long, though? Eight years? That must’ve been a lot of...missing.”

  My heart ached when she finally removed herself from me. She huffed and crossed her arms over the table.

  “I was...lost. Weren’t you?”

  I scratched under my ear, nodding with a slight wince. “Yeah. I was still stuck in that damn hotel room for that first few years. But I got better, finally got myself back to normal. Well, somewhat normal.”

  She hummed and cocked her pretty little head to the side. “Somewhat normal?”

  “Uh, yeah,” I quietly whispered, embarrassed. “Every blonde, short woman I met became you and I grew attached.”

  She suddenly giggled. “Even Nanaba?”

  My face was almost a fiery red now.

  “E–Even Nanaba…” I finally sighed.

  She laughed again soon causing me to do the same.

  I guess we were good to some extent. Even though we didn’t talk about all of our problems, we were able to get some things out. For example, I asked about her parents. She claimed that she visited them often. Apparently, the flight from her new hometown of Ukiah to Los Angeles was about one to two hours. It was a flight that she took willingly because all she wanted was to be with the people she had missed out on.

  I was glad to hear these things. I was glad to know that Historia had gotten her wish.

  She asked me about my passions. Did I still draw? Paint too? When I replied with a short no, she gave me a disappointed frown. A lot of my family and close friends did the same when I first told them the same thing years ago. I had lost my touch but not my eye for good work. Maybe it was a maturity thing. Maybe I had grown out of a phase of hopes and dreams due to past mistakes and losses.

  Historia mumbled and complained—she felt that I had sold myself short. I was a talent lost.

  In my eyes, it wasn’t a big deal, I was fine with what I was doing. I didn’t want her to worry. Irritated and eager to divert the attention from myself, I brought up her birthday.

  “Okay, okay, so what else did you do for your birthday? Go out for dinner?”

  She shook her head. “No. We stayed home and made pizzas. Reiner didn’t get home till late so it was the perfect choice.”

  “That sounds like fun. Get any good gifts?”

  “I don’t know what’s in store for me back home,” she shrugged. “But Reiner did get me a nice set of earrings from Tiffany’s. God, they’re expensive. I’m scared that I’ll lose them.”

  Listening to this made me wonder. A nice set of pricey earrings, huh? A rather meaningful gift in my eyes. I tried not to judge, tried not to hold it against her or that hefty hunk she was staying with. If their brother–sister relationship was just that special, I had no business meddling in it.  

  Even though I believed this, I still couldn’t hold back the question I had.

  “So you and Reiner are close?”

  Historia nodded. “Yep, always been,”

  She looked at me with a raised brow. “Are you asking how we met?”

  I didn’t say a thing.

  “We met just after I met you,” she started. “He helped me get home. Bought me a train ticket and rode with me the whole way back just so he knew that I would be fine. And after it all, we exchanged numbers and eventually became friends.”

  It was simple as that. They were good friends that had formed a bond so easily.

  Lucky them.

  I unlocked my jaw to speak, relaxed my hands and shoulders. “And you fell in love with his brother?”

  Historia coughed out a laugh. “Well, yeah...everything kind of just worked out that way. My heart wanted what it wanted.”

  I could only feign a smile to hide my dislike for her words.

 

  We were at the entrance to High Street Station, to the side against the railing. Historia had other important things to do, like make sure that her daughter was up and well that morning, so she had to head in early. I was bummed out by her decision but I didn’t let my poor emotions get in the way of her and her child.

  “Thanks for meeting with me, Ymir,” She played with the loose button of her jacket as she spoke. “I hope we can do it again. At least before Heidi and I leave.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure we will.”

  I _knew_ we would. I couldn’t miss (or mess up) any of the opportunities fate granted me. No matter if it was a short phone call or a short visit, I had to take it. She wasn’t going to disappear just yet. I had information to receive and information to give which meant that I couldn’t let her slip through my fingers again.

  “When do you go exactly?” Her knitted powder blue scarf flapped and flew in the bleak wind, bringing me to adjust it for her. I earned a smile.

  “The twelfth of March, Heidi’s birthday is on the thirteenth.”

  I nodded at this, still wondering, “Why are you here for such little time?”

  She looked up at me in thought, her eyes moving all over my face. I didn’t shy away. I stood strong against her observant gaze, allowing her to look for what she was in search of. After this spontaneous inspection, she moved forward and pulled me in for a hug. It was an embrace so tight that I swore she was going to squeeze the life out of me. I didn’t comment on her tight grip. If anything, I welcomed it. I welcomed the smell of coffee and a considerable amount of perfume. I welcomed her warmth, the safety that she seemed to provide.

  “I just...we needed a vacation.”

  And though her voice was quiet as can be under the city commotion and ruckus that surrounded, I was still able to hear what she had to say. I nodded again, my brows furrowed at her weary tone. After another second of waiting and breathing, I pulled back to look down at her, I examining her now.  

  “You okay?” I whispered.

  She forced a nod, a smile also. “I’m okay, Ymir. I’ll be fine.”

  Seeing her with a certain kind of look in her eyes made it obvious that I had no choice but to take her word for it.

  I watched her start down the steps to the turnstiles, her honey hair bouncing with after each stair. I was just about to let her move on but boldly I called out to her.

  “Call me sometime, His’! I’ll-I’ll be sure to pick up!”

  She turned around, wide-eyed and flushed, before she nodded with an outrageously, beautiful smile. I had never seen it like this before,

  “How ‘bout tonight? Right before bed?”

  I swallowed hard. I no longer felt the nerves or the egg shells. We were suddenly moving along and ahead and I couldn’t help but be proud of our progress.

  “Yeah,” I chuckled. “Before bed sounds...nice.”

  “Nice.” she repeated with a laugh of her own.

  And after this, she was gone. Back into her world, she went. But only this time, did I know that she was going to come back for me and was going to stay.

 

**+**


	5. Chapter 5

**+**

 

  She didn’t.  
  
  She didn’t stay because it was hard.  
  
  Us trying to act as if everything was normal and okay was tough. We couldn’t talk about the simple things in our lives because the most difficult things hung nearby.  
  
  I couldn’t ask what I wanted to ask. I feared the truth and the aftermath that would come and so did she.  
  
  After the third call we made to each other one February morning, we fell off. We both got lost in the works of who we were. I was single. (And also with Sasha.) She belonged to someone, the father of her child. I had a job, one that had to be prioritized over everything else. She was a stay at home mom that strived to give Heidi the perfect life she could.

  Things were different now and we had no choice but to accept it.  
  
  Still, I missed her. Even though I claimed that this was the best for the both of us, I held onto what little good we had and only wondered what it would’ve been like if it had evolved into something more.  
  
  Every once in awhile, I would end up at that coffeehouse, sipping at the hot chocolate I began to have a taste for. I went there to find peace, to evaluate my thoughts and memories, and got it every time.  
  
  Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. Maybe this was how things were supposed to stay.

  Longing from a distance was back to being the norm.

 **  
** **+**

 

  Summers in New York, I found, were much more bearable than the sweltering, damp heat that hung over Virginia every year. I didn’t have to worry about the pit stains or the sweat burned eyes or the dozens of showers you’d have to take to get the funk out of your system. Now even though the weather within the city was clearly better, there were still downsides. The rain liked to come at times when you were least expecting it. Then it also didn’t help that it liked to pour, pour so much that your shoes were flooded by the end of your trip down the sidewalk. The poor tourists that expected snow and the bone-shaking cold were usually the ones sporting heavy parkas and winter boots. The unfazed locals stayed clad in their shorts and sandals, an umbrella still in hand. It was an awkward phenomenon, one that took time for me to get used to, but it never made me lose the tough love I had for the place.  
  
  I was in charge of our own umbrella while Sasha was in charge of the list she held.  
  
  “So confetti poppers, those cute party hats, then that game...what’s that game? The one with _the donkey_?”  
  
  I rose a brow. “Pin the tail on the donkey?”

  “That’s what it is,” she laughed, going to scribble at the little sheet of paper I guess to fix her mistake. “I don’t know why I keep forgetting.”  
  
  The confetti poppers, hats, and the donkey were all for Nanaba’s surprise party that weekend. It was supposed to be a very intimate, adult get together but, of course, Sasha had to add her own twist to the theme.  
  
  “Does she like cannolis? Because there’s a shop in Little Italy. They have the best.”  
   
  I shrunk in closer to her to avoid the heavy fall of the storm. “She might. It sounds a lot better than trying to bake a cake.”  
  
  “Okay. We’ll get those on the day of, then. I’ll get her another box for the house also. The kiddies might want to try them.”  
  
  As she jotted that down, I couldn’t help but smile.  
  
  Sasha was one of a kind. She knew nothing of Nanaba but still volunteered to make her birthday worth the year long wait. And to think that she was nothing like this decades prior. She was really one of a kind.  
  
  “Are you going to the beach with me for the fourth?” she chirped, still focused on her lengthy checklist. “There’s gonna a big display over the ocean.”  
  
  I shrugged. “Maybe. I know the museum will be closed that day so most likely I’ll be free.”  
  
  “You better. I miss spending my summers with you. It’s always _work, work, work._ Never you and I time.”

  I could agree with this. My summers were always jam packed with meetings and phone calls, more exhibits and showings and galas. I couldn’t complain, though. I signed up for it.

  A low rumble of thunder shook the windows as we passed. Following it was a flash of lightning that illuminated the graphite sky. Sasha jumped at the sharp clap, causing a laugh to leave my throat.  
  
  “You good?”

  Her hands still kept ahold of her notepad as a frown grew on her lips. “Not funny.”

  Shortly after this, we crossed the street, our first destination just ahead. While we were on the mission for party goods, Sash recommended getting our party wear. As much as I grumbled and whined, her determination to get her and I something nice for that the upcoming event couldn’t be crushed. While I wasn’t interested in the whole process of swiping through racks and picking through stacks of folded clothes, I still stayed by and kept her company.  
  
  “You should wear blue more often. You always look good in blue. Like this blouse right here would look perfect.”

  I furrowed my brows, my eyes narrowing at the fabric. “You think so?”  
  
  “Mhm,” She then pulled it out for me to further inspect. “Maybe for one of your events? Don’t you have one coming up in the fall?”

  “Yeah. Something to do with politics since the election isn’t too far ahead.”

  “That sounds dreadful.” Sasha grimaced.

  With the hostages still in Iran, the constant fear of communism, and the poverty that began to cripple homes all over the country, the world of politics was rather “dreadful.” I tried to stay out it all, tried to keep myself focused on the good that was in my life and not the depressing aspects of it, but there was no outrunning it—the colors, red and blue, were deeply ingrained into the country’s way of thinking.

  “Well,” she sighed, moving along with the top in hand. “this will look good with a nice pair of pants and shoes. I think those black heels would top it off.”

  I chuckled. “Why don’t _you_ just wear the damn outfit then?” I trailed close behind her, fingers prodding at her waist. “You seem to like it more than I do.”

  She giggled as she squirmed from my grasp. “It’s meant for you, ‘Mir. Not for me.”

  “Hmm, I’m not so sure.”

  We were back in the rain again. After searching for clothes, which seemed to take hours upon hours, we were finally on our way to the nearest party supply store to get the items we actually needed  
  
  The confetti poppers, silly string, hats, blowers, plates, utensils, and pin the tail on the donkey were all found. The only thing missing—assorted napkins.  
  
  Sasha huffed, her eyes moving over every item carefully. “What party store doesn’t have napkins?”  
  
  “Apparently, this one.” I murmured. The employees running the place didn’t seem to care about our dilemma. The continued with their magazine reading and bubble gum bubbles. I picked up one of the decorative centerpieces from the loudly cluttered shelf, wincing at its tackiness. “What’s wrong with regular, plain napkins? Like the basic ones?”  
  
  “Birthday’s are meant to be colorful, not ‘plain’, Ymir,” She stopped where she stood and turned around. “Plus you said she’s into the whole art thing. Art is colorful, is it not?”  
  
  I nodded. “Well yeah. Some things are colorful and over the top like this damn store,”  
  
  She laughed at this because I was right. The place wasn’t in any way appealing.  
  
  “And other things are usually just boring and bland. Sometimes painful to look at.”  
  
  Sasha bit her lip for a moment before smirking.  
  
  “Then by that logic, wouldn’t plain, boring napkins be painful to look at?”  
  
  I snickered at her clever words, my hand then going up to tousle her bangs. “Okay, yeah, whatever. Go find your napkins. I’m gonna be out in front. I need a break from all this looking.”  
   
  She gave me a nod once I pulled away from her. “I’ll be out soon then.”  
  
  I left her where she was with a smile.  
  
  Outside, the warmth in the air was gentle on my skin, like a first kiss. Or like a last one. I made a place under the store’s awning. Not only to avoid the water that pummeled the streets and umbrellas but the hurried sidewalk traffic also. A cigarette worked as a way to distract myself from the time that tugged at my patience. And for a moment, it proved to be efficient. I didn’t feel the need to check in with Sasha nor did I need to rush her. I was able to relax, was able to take an advantage of the calm my chaotic surroundings seemed to provide.  
  
  A couple drags. A few flicks of ash.  
  
  I was good.  
  
  I didn’t stay this way, though. 

  “Can I...Can I bum one off of you?”

  The voice, so soft, so sweet, brought a bad taste to my mouth. I took a second to breathe before opening my eyes. To my left, there she was, the person I thought was gone for good.  
  
  Seeing her yet again was the start to another trip I wasn’t sure I was ready to go on. I swallowed hard as I took in her appearance—the soaked clothes and hair, a weathered suitcase I’ve seen once before held in her hand. Her eyes were red and her makeup badly washed away. She was an honest to god mess and I was sure she knew it.  
  
  As much as I was appalled by her presence, I followed through with her request. She murmured her thanks and sat her belonging to the side. We were then shoulder to shoulder but a barrier still sat between us.  
  
  For a while, we stayed quiet. We spectated life as it moved on before us until she sucked in a sharp breath.  
  
  “They’re leaving me.”  
  
  With so many meanings to this, I looked her way. “Who?”  
  
  She rolled the stick that sat already between her fingers back and forth, a snicker escaping her lips. “The man I dedicated five years to and our child.”  
  
  She said this so simply like as if it meant nothing. But I could see it in the way that she smiled that she was hurting.  
  
  “I thought we were going to work together...make it all better again. But he wants out and he wants Heidi.”

  I only watched and listened because I knew that my words wouldn’t do a thing to heal her gaping wounds.  
  
  So her life wasn’t as perfect as I had thought. She was slowly losing her grasp on the people that once made her life worth living and she couldn’t do a thing about it.  
  
  “I don’t think I can let him take her that easy, though,” she said quietly with the shake of her head. “He doesn’t know her like I do. I mean I’m her mother for Christ’s sake. I got to know her before he even had the chance,”  
  
  Sniffling, she wiped at her cheeks and nose.  
  
  “I know that–that I still have my issues. I know that I haven’t been a good person. I’ve fucked up many times in my past. I hurt you, I hurt myself...I’m just a screwed individual and I can’t ignore it,” Her lip began to quiver. “But even though this is true...I–I don’t deserve this. No one does. She’s m–my baby and I can’t just remove myself from her life. I already know how that goes...I don’t want her to end up like me. I don’t want her to break someone’s heart like I broke yours.”

  All the self-depreciation and self-hate that was hidden within her voice still came out strong and it was painful to hear.  
  
  In her eyes, she was the worst person in the world. In mine, she wasn’t perfect. She made mistakes and she still did. (Falling in love with that fool was definitely one to add to her list.) And while she did make the wrong choices, at least she knew how to own up to it. She showed her remorse and she showed her heart.

  It was just who she was.

  With the barrier now broken and gone, I could actually communicate.

  “Where’s Reiner?”

  After a shaky breath, she took another puff at her cigarette.  
  
  “He’s out of town. I guess I just came at the wrong time.”  
  
  “So then where you at before you came here?”  
  
  She glanced up at me, her blues not as sad as they once were.  
  
  “Frieda’s. She’s my older sister. She lives in Cloverdale now. Just a couple minutes from where you lived. I got tired of California so I stayed there for a few days before taking the train up here. I never knew how much I missed the place until I got a taste of the air.”  
  
  I understood. While I did adjust to the new way of living up North, I still missed my hometown. The ugly weather and everything. If I had the chance to sleep in my old bed and eat Grandpa's watery grits again, I would’ve.  
  
  “And that helped? Seeing your sister?”  
  
  A smile hinted at her lips. “It was great. She’s really into baking so we did a lot of that together. We also went to the county fair and the lake. It was like being a kid again.”  
  
  I was glad to hear this because with my negative feelings pushed to the side, I felt that she still deserved the best.  
  
  When we both fell silent again, Sasha poked her head out, giving me a heads up that the napkins were found. She saw Historia and without thinking too much of her, she gave her a friendly wave.  
  
  Historia was taken aback but still gave her one in return.  
  
  “They’re checking everything out right now so we’ll be free soon. Maybe we could go out to eat,” Sasha looked back at Historia, her smile kind. “You should come. You’ll get sick in those clothes if you’re out here any longer.”  
  
  Historia had no other way of saying no. She gave a slight nod to Sasha, making her shine brighter.  
  
  “Great.”  
  
  Once my auburn haired friend was gone, I tossed the butt into a rippling puddle and licked my lips.  
  
  “How’d you find me again?” I asked.  
  
  She did the same and brought herself up from the wall. “Fate, I guess,” she shrugged. “I had nowhere to go so...I just kept on walking. I turned the corner and I saw you.”  
  
  I grinned. “How funny.”  
  
  She looked up and looked into my eyes. Then she finally let her own smile bloom.  
  
  “Yeah, it is.”

 ********  
**+** **  
**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you all enjoyed! 
> 
>  
> 
> [short psa: i've decided that it would be a great help to myself and other readers to have maybe a beta reader (or two) for this fic since it's really hard to write when you aren't sure how things are going with your content. if anyone's interested in doing so (or just being my friend ;D), shoot me a message on my [tumblr](http://lilydoves.tumblr.com). thanks ❣]


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy!!!

**+**

 

_"Ymir…”_

_She called, singing my name sweetly._

_I rolled over onto my side and showed her my best smile._

_"Yes, Chris’?”_

_Fixing the straps of her bra, she sat up, her cheeks still red with heat, her eyes still wild with lust. She got on her knees as if to say a prayer and leaned down to pepper kisses against the side of my face._

_"I love these freckles. Did you know that?”_

_I chuckled, inhaling the smell of fake grass._

_“No, not at all.”_

_She let herself rest against me, her head nestled into the crook of my neck. She trailed her nails up and down the skin of my back, then she sighed._

_"I’ll never forget about this. The golf course, the sex,” she giggled. “And you. Did you know that too?”_

_My eyes fluttered closed. My heart beated louder. My smile grew bigger. I wouldn’t forget her either._

_"No…but I believe you.”_

_There was a beat of nothing then she kissed my lips once more. She pulled back, whispering,_

_"_ _You better not forget me, okay?”_

  _I nodded._

 _“_ _Okay…”_

 

 ******+**

 

  Our first night together consisted of tissues and tears.  
  
  Historia just couldn’t get her mind off of the pain that her heart harbored. She cried for her daughter, she cried over the wasted time. She cried over me. Because I was doing everything to keep her calm and comfortable, she felt more like a burden, an unnecessary concern. But as I continued to console her by giving her encouraging words and firm hugs, I denied her sobs. I refused to believe that she was back in my life just so that she could use and abuse my trust once more. I refused to believe that she was that same recurring dream that only came to make my life a nightmare.

  She was different. She was new. She was someone that I had yet to fully know. I had to give her and myself the benefit of the doubt so that when the time came for us to evaluate our past feelings, we were ready to do so.

  That night, she fell asleep in my arms to my gentle coos and as she slept, I kept a hold of her. This had been my chance to finally relive the peak of my youth. With the weight of her on my chest and her soft, warm breaths giving kisses to my collarbone, bliss swelled within me as tears twinkled in my eyes. I was overwhelmed with a light heartedness because the hope that I’d lost years ago was back and made a permanent place to stay within my heart.

  What I had thought was impossible had proved to be plausible. And because of this, something awoke in the depths of my soul. I knew what it was, I knew what it would do to me, so I did what I did best.

  Ignore it.

  I ignored the ridiculous feeling that seemed to grow large overnight.

  I couldn’t allow myself to indulge in it. So when I’d woken up that following morning, I made sure to remove myself from her as she slept. I didn’t look at her once nor did I even think to pull the blankets back over her once I was up.

  I showered afterward. I stripped my body of her and the feeling of her in hopes of forgetting how pretty her hair smelled and how soft her skin was. Once I was free from the sauna that my bathroom had become, I made a plan. A plan to stay as far away as I could. The fear of another broken heart was just too strong. As much as she may have needed me and as much as I wanted to help, I couldn’t give myself up that easy.

  My hospitality still remained. I brought down the few boxes of cereal that I had, made sure that none of them made it past their expiration date. I sat a bowl down for her at the table and placed a spoon and an empty glass right beside it. To top it all off, I snatched a few of the magazines I owned from the coffee table and stacked them on the other side of the bowl just in case she got bored. After all of this preparation, I kept myself from waiting. I quickly ate before burying myself into a crossword puzzle as the news played in the background.

  Even though I hated brain games that made you feel less and less of a genius you proclaimed to be, I had nothing better to do. No work that day because all that was needed to be done was done. It was barely seven which meant that the city was still fading in and out of sleep so there was no reason to go out. The news had nothing more to put out than weather predictions and minor anecdotes.

  I had to make some use of myself so that as a result, my mind was free from the beautiful madness that Historia was.

  _"Ymir?”  
_

  Her raspy voice broke through the air and through the safe space I’d created for myself.

  I looked over to see her standing there in her dainty, thin nightgown and her hands rubbing heavily at her eyes. Her hair, in all of its gloriousness, was all over the place, thick and lovely as it had always been.

  I swallowed hard. As my mind went crazy and mouth sought after moisture, she finally gave me a rather confused look.

  “Why are you up so early?”

  Clearing my throat, I chucked the newspaper to the side and hopped up from the couch.

  “I, uh, I’m usually up early because of my work schedule.”

  This wasn’t the truth or a lie. I had an awkward work schedule, one that would occasionally jack up my sleeping patterns.

  Her eyes widened slightly. “You have work today?”

  I could see the disappointment—she must’ve really wanted to spend the day with me.

  My hands went up to push my hair behind my ears.

  “No, I don’t. I’m free for the day.”

  A small smile then toyed at her pink lips. “Oh, well that’s good. That’s really good.”

  Her face was still flushed and her eyes had a slight swell to them. I didn’t point any of this out though because reminding her about her current dilemma was the last thing I wanted to do.

  “Are you hungry? How does cereal sound?”

  She stepped away from the hall and tip toed over to the kitchen table. She observed the boxes set out for her before looking back at me.  
  
  “You eat _Lucky Charms_?”

  She seemed to be surprised but also utterly amused.

  I made my way over, quietly shaking my head.

  “Those are Sasha’s. She spends the night here...sometimes she does.”

  Historia nodded slightly. “I see,” She sat down and picked up the box to open it. “She’s your partner, right?”

  I almost choked on my words. “N–No, we’re...she and I are only friends. Just friends.”

  Historia turned around in the chair, a handful marshmallows going to her mouth. “Good friends?”

  The knowing expression she gave made me want to frown. She couldn’t be fooled at all.

  “You don’t have to lie. I see the way you two look at each other. It’s cute.”

  To hear the person I once loved compliment the relationship I seemed to have with an honest to god friend baffled me. It was embarrassing yet also comforting.

  “Are you going to sit?”

  My lips parted to say no but she had already used a foot to push the other chair out for me.

  The plan I made to resist Historia had caved in on itself. She was just making it too hard to avoid her.

  After grabbing the milk and orange juice from the refrigerator, I sat across from her. I did my best to keep my eyes away from her. From the silver necklace she wore that dangled a little heart right above her cleavage. From the shade of pink her nails sported. From her long, full lashes. From the way she bit at her lip in concentration as she poured the milk into her bowl.

  _Why was she so perfect?_

  “Did you sleep okay?”

  I brought my eyes down when she brought hers up.

  “Sort of.”

  I heard her sigh with worry.

  “I was a bother, wasn’t I?”

  I shook my head, finally meeting her eyes again. “Nah...It wasn’t because of you. You were fine. I just had a lot on my mind.”

  She stared at me for a moment before grinning.

  “Sure you did.”

  We talked for some time. Mostly about basic, boring things like the shows on TV and books. But when she finished up her final bowl of cereal and sat back in her seat, the bland topics were pushed to the side.

  “I missed the sound of your heartbeat.”

  She said this without showing any hesitance. There wasn’t a smile on her lips but in her eyes, I could see emotions swirling, warmth all throughout.

  I was literally speechless. No words, not even sounds, could pass through my lips.

  I guess she could visibly see my struggle because she spoke again.

  “I know it’s a little too forward to say so, but it’s true. I love listening to you live.”

  She then got up and took her bowl to the sink. When the water began to run, I realized that I was stuck in a state of awe.

  Her words had to be true. If they weren’t, then why did she say them to me? To lure me into her trap? Even if this was the case, I chose not to believe in it. She wasn’t heartless.

  She’d never been heartless.

  By the time she had finished drying the dishes she washed, I was up on my feet also. I had put away the remaining items on the table and found a place by her side.

  It took her a second to gather the courage and look at me. “You can ignore what I said. It means nothing. Nothing at all.”

  I waited, watching her as she dried her hands. Then a soft smile finally pulled at my lips.

  “Sure it does,” I whispered.

  And she glanced away, maybe to try to hide the heat in her face.

  As “perfect” as she may have been that morning, I had to remind myself over and over again.

  I couldn’t get caught up.

 

  We spent the day together as most normal people would.  
  
  We watched the game shows and melodramatic soap operas. We read through uninteresting magazines and books while we ate stale potato chips and drank fizzy cola. Words were said often. They were either about what was on on the television or the overly carbonated soda. Nothing regarding both of us was put out into the air which I had no problem with.  
  
  It made me feel less of the butterflies and heartache.  
  
  But when the sky began to grow dark, Historia grew tired. So tired that when I asked if she was tired, she responded with an exhausted, “I don’t know.”  
  
  So I helped her to my bed again, tucked her in by my side.  
  
  The windows to my room were open since it had managed to become hot. As we both lied there, this time parted from each other, we took on the evening heat. Doing what we could to keep our bodies cool, she slid off the sweats she wore while I left my pajama shirt unbuttoned. And then once we were perfectly still in the sheets, she spoke.

  “You must think I’m pathetic.”  
  
  I gave her a puzzled look.

  “Why would I think that?”

  She got onto her side, putting us face to face.

  “Because I’ve been crying over someone that doesn’t love me.”

  The blatant irony of the situation made me shake my head. I was consoling a broken heart when I never got the chance to do so for myself. And it also didn’t help that she was put in the same predicament that I had once been in.

  “Well, that doesn’t make you pathetic,” I whispered. “that’s just what makes you human.”

  When she didn’t say a thing, I continued, my words coming from the heart and soul and not my mind.

  “I mean, you two have been together for a while. Even though it didn’t end well, the past you both shared can’t be forced away. It doesn’t work like that. It’ll never just work like that,”   

  The curtains danced with a summer breeze. The noises outside fell under the quiet of the night.

  “I know from experience.”

  For a long time, she looked at me. I couldn’t figure out what was going on in her pretty, little head. I couldn’t understand her or the bright glimmer set in her crystal clear eyes. But when she scooted closer until we touched and her soft hand found a place over my heart, things began to make sense again.

  “I’m sorry.”

  She didn’t say a thing more.

  Instead, she rested her head against my chest and closed her eyes and went to sleep.

  And while she was able to do so in the most peaceful way, I was stuck, awake with the light still on, my brain suddenly plagued by even more conflicting emotions and thoughts. **  
**

 

**+**


	7. Chapter 7

  
**+**

 

_“These are beautiful, Ymir...they really are. And they all look like me.”_

_Her comments, her smiles. They were just enough to send me soaring._

_I kept my face hidden in the pillow, hidden from her sparkling eyes. I was too embarrassed to thank her and unfortunately, she knew so._

_“You’ll be even better in the future. Everyone will know your name.”_

_She closed my book up, sitting it on the nightstand before kissing the nape of my neck._

_“I can’t wait to see you everywhere. Your pretty face.”_

_I grew hot._

 

**+**

  
  Her hand grazed mine as we sat close. We didn’t sit this close because we wanted to. We sat close because the subway car had grown uncomfortable, so uncomfortable that it wouldn’t be long before we actually became like sardines, sealed tight and desperate for air.

  What made things worse for me was that Historia had on that damn perfume. That smell of gentle, sweet cherry blossoms tickled at my nose, making me fidget and frown. I hoped that somehow her lovely scent would be exchanged for something ugly so that I had yet another reason to avoid her.

  While this did seem like a good thing to wish for, I quickly realized how stupid it was for me to bring her along when I didn’t want her to be around in the first place.

  I had to be at the museum that Tuesday  afternoon. The task of overseeing had to be done so I couldn’t take a day off. Of course, the thought of leaving Historia just the way she was, lost in a deep state of slumber, crossed my mind. But right when I was about to step onto the elevator and leave my building, I realized how bad it would look to actually do what I planned to do.

  She had been a happy camper. She didn’t complain about how tired she was or the fact that it was melting outside.

  She stayed content while I struggled to.

  I was still confused, still disturbed by the fact that I was being nothing more than a shoulder to cry on. Even though this was so, I intended to remain silent about my thoughts. She didn’t need to worry about my problems because she had plenty of her own. Just because I was back to struggling with my feelings again didn’t mean that she had to also.

  “It’s crazy how crowded these things get.” she whispered.

  I only answered with a nod, my arms draped over our purses.

  Then I felt her eyes on the side of my face, her fingers tugging at the hem of my shirt.

  “Do you talk in your sleep?”

  This question prompted my brows to go together. I looked over at her with a look of slight fluster, making her smile.

  “What?”

  “Well, you _do_ talk in your sleep, but did you know that you talk in your sleep?”

  She’d never asked such a question before. Even back when we were young.

  For a short moment, I wondered what her reason for asking this was. Then I remembered the night prior, the outright stress I had put myself in while she slept with her head on my chest. Maybe all of that worry continued to pile on even as I rested.

  It didn’t take much for me to began to worry again.

  _What did she find out? Does she know how much chaos she’s causing me? Does she know how much I don’t trust her?_  
  
  When the car began to move, I was fished out of the mess I had been pulled into. I was still looking at her but no longer appeared to be as perplexed as I had been before.

  “Are you okay, Ymir?” She was concerned; a hand placed on my knee. But then a small smirk played on her lips. “Or is this too embarrassing of a subject for you to talk about?”

  Her teasing voice didn’t bother me. It only made me grow hotter in the face.

  I sighed, rolling my eyes as I turned away.

  “Everyone talks in their sleep. It’s a common habit. It’s been proven.”

  Historia quietly laughed. “Those studies are wrong then because I know damn well I don’t talk in my sleep.”

  I shook my head. “You don't know that. You’re sleep.”

  She squeezed my leg before pulling away.

  After a pause, she spoke again, another question for me to answer. “So what is it like being the boss? Like having control and what not?”

  I forced myself to look at her again, seeing that her eyes were browsing the array of faces around us.

  I forgot how pretty she looked when she wasn’t paying me any mind.

  “I’m not exactly _the_ boss,” I said. “I’m like under the boss.”

  She didn’t stop her people watching.

  “So who’s the boss then?”

  As she asked this, her attention was stuck on a young woman who sat across from us with a bubbly baby in her lap. The woman did her best to keep her child’s fussing to the minimum by keeping a pacifier in his mouth. Of course, it did nothing—the boy was just so happy to be amongst us adults.

  I was entertained by the sight. Historia, surprisingly, wasn’t.

  She looked defeated.

  I knew why. Her own baby girl was on the other side of the country which meant that she couldn’t hold her like she wanted to.

  Apparently, it had been exactly two weeks since Historia last saw and heard from her daughter. She claimed that she did all she could to get in contact but with every letter, postcard, and phone call, she was ignored like she didn’t matter. This tore her already weak spirt to shreds. It twisted and yanked at both her heart and soul and she couldn’t do a thing about it.

  She averted herself from the pair, her hands interesting her.

  Knowing how severe the situation had become, I cleared my throat and finally went to answer her question before I could forget.

  “The board is the boss. They’re a bunch of highly qualified people that dictate where our money goes.”

  She hummed at this. “You have to go to them before you do anything?”

  Her voice was quiet, small. It was sad to hear.

  I straightened up and brought our purses closer to my stomach.

  “Well, yes and no. When it comes to renovations, starting new collections, et cetera, I and the other directors on staff have to present to them a good enough plan so that we can do what we need to do to keep the place buzzing.”

  Historia showed that she understood by looking my way again.

  “Sounds intimidating.”

  I nodded, chuckling afterward. “Usually it always is. But it’s gotten better over the years.”

  Suddenly, she smiled again.

  “That’s good. I’m glad things have worked out for you. You deserve it.”

  Her words weren’t said just to be said. They had actual meaning.

  “Yeah…” I whispered. “Thanks.”

 

  All of behind the scenes work was done on the upper floors, up above all the craziness below. Even when there were days when the place got hectic, the museum staff managed to keep everything and everyone else in line. That was just how professional they were.

  As Historia and I passed through the rows of desks and down the big hall of offices, I kept my greetings nice and short. I didn’t want to get stuck in a conversation. I didn’t want them to get a single glimpse of her blonde hair and unfamiliar face either. So I was quick to get to my own office. Once we were enclosed in the spaciously cluttered room, I released a loud sigh of relief, causing Historia to raise a brow.

  “Are you okay?” she asked.

  Instead of giving her a certain nod, I shrugged which only concerned her more.

  She said nothing else about this and looked elsewhere to see all of the filled bookshelves and cork boards. There were also a few pieces of work leaned up against the walls. (Each of them gifts to me from their respected creators.) She was interested in everything, curious as to what it all meant to me. Then she finished her observing by taking a seat in my chair. She got a good feel of the leather and cushioning before leaning back to relax.

  “You work hard.”

  I lowered down into the other chair that sat at the front of my desk, placing my things on the ground beside me.

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “I do.”

  She spun around a few times before finally stopping to examine me again. “Will you be here forever?”

  “Maybe. I’d like to be here for a couple more years.”

  She nodded and a soft smile appeared. “You’ll be all old and gray, losing your mind over paint.”

  Hearing this made me laugh. I leaned further back and allowed my hands to find the back of my head.

  “I think I’ve already lost my mind. All of this new stuff we’ve been putting up is starting to become senseless. It’s terrible.”

  “Abstract is becoming _too abstract?_ ” she grinned.

  Seeing her glow and not mope was refreshing. It felt like something cool on a hot day, which I was honestly thankful for.

  “Yeah, kinda sorta.”

  She went around again and when she was back to facing me, she let out a lazy sigh of her own.

  “So while you’re out there doing your thing, what am I going to be doing?”

  My hands fell into my hair, fingers raking through it until I found something to say.

  “You could hang in here. Or you could head downstairs and look at the galleries. You’ll get to see some of Picasso’s work and Frida Kahlo’s. Then there’s a lot of other nice things that I’m sure you’ll like.”

  Historia carefully listened to what I had to say then she chose. “I think we should go down together when you finish. I want to see some of your favorites,”

  She sat up in the chair and rested forward against my desk, her chin held in her hands.

  “I want to see what you’re into.” she said almost at a whisper.

  Even though we were a good, couple feet apart, it felt like she was right in my face.

  I swallowed thickly, licking my lips after. I couldn’t find the power to say no. As much I wanted to stay far away from due to the memories I had of our past, I still wanted to be near, by her side, within the range of her voice and touch. I knew the dangers well, but something within me told me not to worry anymore because things weren’t really as bad as they seemed.

  “Is that okay with you?” She asked, bringing me to back to focus on her eyes again.

  “Huh?”

  She giggled and shook her head. “Are you okay with hanging out? I know I haven’t been the best person to be around so I’m asking just in case if you don’t want to be bothered.”

_See? She’s considerate._

  I shook my head also but only because of her words. “No–No, it’s fine. I promise you, I won’t be bothered. I can show you around.”

  She appeared to be pleased with what I had to say and nodded in agreement.

  “Great, I’m already excited.” she laughed again.

  I guess I could’ve said the same because once I left her to fulfill my duties as gallery director, a weird but amazing feeling had seeped into my soul, making me feel fuzzy with all sorts of butterflies.

  
  On Tuesdays, the museum closed early. So just when the sun was about to set, visitors made their way out into the oncoming night. Some of my co workers did the same, many of them having to be home for dinner with their families or having to run a few errands before the last few minutes of sunlight disappeared.

  “I’m very in love with this chandelier if I haven't said so already,” Historia said from the top of the staircase, her eyes on the waterfall of glittering crystals. “It’s beautiful.”

  I waited for her to also descend once I had gotten to the bottom and as I waited, I witnessed her amazement.

  She wore the same look she had worn many years ago when we were out exploring the many cities we came across. Seeing her this way comforted me because she wasn’t completely gone.

  _She’s still here._

  “So...where are we going first?” She was at my side again. This time her fingers holding onto the cuff of my sleeve.

  She asked this as if we were going on another adventure, another journey that I was finally going to lead.

  “Well…” We began on our way, our footsteps echoing out into the open space. “There’s a lot to cover so we won’t be able to see everything in a single night.”

  Historia didn’t speak right away. There was a long pause until we arrived at the first room of paintings. Only the most famous pieces of artwork were displayed on the wall and once we were standing before _The Starry Night_ , she sheepishly smiled.

  “Can I come tomorrow then? If you’re not busy?”

  I heard her question but all I paid attention to was the painted picture before us. I had seen it just about a thousand times in my lifetime and with every time I got to see it, I either felt something or nothing at all. This time I felt everything.

  The colors. The strokes. Composition. The story.

 _The story?_ I don’t think there was one. Still the simplicity and also the complexity of it all shined bright, enlightening me for the first time ever.

  How could one interpret so much from just a typical sky?

_How can one get so many ideas and feelings for something that they already know the true meaning of?_

  “Ymir?” Historia tapped at my knuckles. Her tapping came to a halt once I looked at her.

  “Are you sure you’re okay? You’ve been zoning out all day…”

  I noticed her furrowed brows, the sad curl of her lips, then I noticed the feeling of her hand in mine.

  I refused to look down, I couldn’t allow my heart to lurch into nowhere. Still, despite this need to avert myself, I gave her a tight squeeze, I gave her the reassurance that she so desperately needed.

  “We’ll come just before we open. I think you’ll enjoy the café when we get to it.”

  Her shoulders rose and fell with what I assumed to be relief then a smile came after. It slowly blossomed into something that broke me to pieces before putting me back again.

  “There’s a _café_ here?”

  Her struck response brought me joy again, ruining the composure I tried hard to keep.

  “Yes, but we’re saving that for the morning. As of now,” I slipped away, going to stand further to the side of her. “I’m supposed to be giving you some detailed facts about this, quote on quote, masterpiece.”

  Taking another glance at the decorated canvas, she chuckled and folded her arms over her chest. “If you really say so, Ms. Tour Guide…”

 

  I felt a little better that night. I got to sleep a little better too.

  I had a good feeling that it was the same for her also.

  But even while everything appeared to be safer, better, _honest_ , I still kept the light on. I still kept my guard up.

  Historia and I were strangers. We were strangers that already seemed to understand but didn’t seem to really know.

 

**+**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally i can sleep...
> 
> hope you enjoyed! <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy!

**+**

 

_“Do you want to have kids when you get older? Because I don’t.”_

_She still held onto my hand even long after we had made it to our hotel room._

_I wasn’t sure what prompted this question. Still, I responded but with one of my own._

_“Why don’t you?”_

_She sighed and shook her head, also going to brush the glitter from her hair and mine._  
  
_“I don’t think I’ll ever be a mom. At least not a good one.”_

_I was again baffled by her words._

_“What makes you say that?”_

_Slumping against me, her hand grew tighter onto mine._

_“I don’t know...I just have a feeling that I won’t be the best for them.”_

_I didn’t ask anything more and she didn’t either. We just sat there on the bed that smelled of vanilla and cigarettes, waiting for our highs to cease and the sun to rise._

 

**+**

  
  
  She was up early that Thursday morning. She wasn’t “up” up but she was awake, blinking slowly after so many seconds of staring. I was up also. I was upright with my back and head against the headboard and a cigarette posted in between my lips. I watched her with just as much intent, my eyes painting over her face as I tried to memorize but also remember.

  _Had her eyes always been so blue? Her cheeks, did they always get rosy for no reason?_

_When did she get that pretty necklace? Who gave it to her?_

_What about her hair? The little blonde wisps loose from her ponytail. Did they always dance so gracefully whenever the breeze from a fan blew against them?_

  There were so many questions I had, however, I chose not to voice them because they weren’t meant to be answered by her.

  The sun sprinkled through the curtains and the smell of the city spilled into my room like a gentle stream.

  I had called in sick just minutes earlier, giving Connie the message to pass onto the rest of the staff. I felt bad for lying but it felt good to be lying in bed beside someone I began to gravitate to.

  Even with my feelings changing, I still spent the many hours that made up each day analyzing my thoughts, my doubts slightly outweighing my hopes. But I never once attempted to let Historia know this because I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

  I just wasn't ready to dig in so deep yet.

  But she was, though.

  Her thin finger drew circles on my bare thigh, a playful act that meant much more to my brooding mind. She sucked and nibbled on her lower lip as she waited for me to say something.

  I, on the other hand, kept to myself, an arm crossed over my chest, the fingers of my left hand waiting to pull my cigarette away when I needed to.

  I had nothing to say to her. (At least not yet.)

  So we continued to stay focused on each other in the silence we didn’t attempt to touch.

  I wondered what she was thinking.

  Maybe of Heidi.

  She had gotten ahold of her daughter the day prior just after we made it to my apartment. I remember the tears she shed when she got to hear that tiny, sweet voice.

  Seeing this happen, I felt a little bit better about the situation. I knew that not all was lost for Historia because her child still loved her.

  She could’ve also been thinking about Reiner.

  She hadn’t gotten ahold of him yet but she knew that wherever he was in the world, he was doing just fine.

  But maybe she was really thinking of me.

  By the way she was watched my every move, I could tell that I was the only one on her mind.

  I would’ve shown that I was proud to know this but at the same time, I didn’t want her to see that she was getting to me or to my impressionable heart.

  “So what are we going to do today since you have the day off?” she finally asked after a long while of peace.

  There was a soft smile that toyed at her lips. It made me want to smile back but I refrained from doing so.

  “I don’t know. I still have to get Nanaba a gift for her party on Saturday.”

  She nodded, still continuing with her circles. “What are you going to get her?”

  I answered with a shrug. “I’m not so sure yet. She’s into a lot of things so it’ll be hard to find just a single gift.”

  Historia stayed quiet for a moment. She went back to biting on her lip, her hand falling away from me as she began to think.

  I stayed quiet also, giving her the space she needed to come up with an idea. Then finally, just after I grew tired of smoking and had put the thing out, she sat up and let her allowed her thoughts the freedom they needed.

  “You should make her something.”

  She said this with a smile so big that I almost grew concerned.

  “ _What?_ ”

  “Make her something,” she enthused. She brought herself up and sat back on her heels. “You’re talented enough to do so.”

  Even after I gave her a weird look, she still kept that kooky grin on.

  “Come on, Ymir. It’ll mean so much more than something that’s store bought. I’m sure she won’t forget it either.”

  It wasn’t too bad of an idea. It was just that, I lacked the inspiration to do so.

  “I haven’t drawn in years…” I murmured.

  “That’s fine. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it anyway. Especially since it’ll be coming from you.”

  She seemed to know what she was talking about. Then I remembered she had a four-year old that probably gave her drawings all of the time.

  Historia was convincing but I still remained hesitant. 

  “You should do it, Ymir. It’ll be sweet. I know for sure. I’ll even help if you need me too.”

  I rose a brow.

  “But you told me you suck at drawing?”

  Her smile somehow grew wider. “But I’m very good at coloring.”

  I only looked at her for just a split second more before getting up and heaving a sigh. After stretching and combing out my hair, I made my way over to my closet, opening it completely to get a good view of what was inside.

  I had always been neat with my clothes and shoes but I never was too careful with other junk I stored in the shelves up above. Everything was stashed up there. From boxes of photographs to old checkbooks and other worn books, unwrapped birthday gifts, extra sheets and pillows, bags of things I couldn’t recall. I pulled down the first box I didn’t recognize, hoping that it held something that I could actually use. All that was inside was an outstanding supply makeup, some belonging to me, the rest belonging to Sasha. I shook my head at it and sat it to the side.

  Another unmarked box held old college textbooks and another one kept ahold of my cassette tapes.

  I handed the box with the music back to Historia. “Do you have a tape deck back home? ‘Cause you can take some of these if you want.”

  I heard her shift around on the bed. Once the box had left my hand and she had begun to look through the sea of one hit wonders, I heard her laugh.

  “I thought you said you didn’t listen to disco?”

  With furrowed brows, I turned around. “When did I ever say that?”

  “Yesterday. When we took a trip to Central Park on your lunch break?”  
  
  I remembered this clearly but for the sake of not being teased, I shook my head again.

  “Nah, I don’t remember.”

  Knowing that she was right, Historia narrowed her eyes at me, a delicious looking smirk on her face.

  Something within me stuttered but I chose to ignore it.

  Box after box, bag after bag. There was nothing.

  I had thrown all my art supplies out without even realizing that I had done so.

  Plopping down on the floor, I groaned in frustration.

  How could I have been so reckless?

  All the money that I had spent as a teen and a young adult had been wasted. All because I lost my own touch and love for what I knew how to naturally do.

  I was so locked up into my rage that I did even notice Historia get up. She took my place in the closet, her hands and eyes looking for what I couldn’t find.

  “Everything’s gone,” I murmured. “I’m pretty sure I tossed it all out.”

  She didn’t respond to this. She said something under her breath as she went to reach for whatever had caught her attention.

  “You forgot something, ‘Mir. It’s all the way at the back.”

  I looked up, seeing that she was having trouble getting to the shoebox that had somehow camouflaged with the darkness of the small space.

  I watched her struggle for a moment then when I got back on my feet, I went up to get what she was after.

  “How did you see this?” I asked.

  “I stood up on your bed to see what you couldn’t. It was just sitting there.”

  Once I had the box in both hands, I gave it long, hard look, noticing how battered it truly was. I looked for any markings or dates but saw nothing but the shoe brand’s logo.

  “This is yours right?” Historia stood right beside me, just as confused as I was.

  I wasn’t sure what to say. Rather than speaking, I pulled off the lid, letting whatever was inside be seen.

  At first, I was relieved, seeing only a few of my many old brushes and pencils. There were a couple of broken erasers and a little sketch pad or two. But once I dug deeper into the box that seemed go on forever, it all made sense as to why it had been forgotten.

  Postcards, my old lighter, a ripped plane ticket, that damn hotel notepad, that _damn_ turquoise ring. All of this and everything else was there for both she and I to see, to analyze. When my eyes fell onto the crumpled balls and folded pieces of paper, I developed the urge to pick each and every one up and have a look at them.

  I backed up into my bed and sat down.

  After undoing them one by one, I couldn’t help but frown.

  The room became stiff. It became hard to talk. Historia remained standing, her hands bunched together as she stayed still.

  I could feel my face grow warm at the sight of my work, the sight of “Christa” on every single page.

  The mood had changed and I wanted, so dearly, to apologize to Historia for making it do so.

  “We–We can hold off on the gift if you want…” Her voice grew distant and small.

  In response to it and the heavy atmosphere, I stood up again and put everything back into its designated place. Following this, I put the shoebox away, intending to leave it there for good.

  I faced her again, feigning a smile that she could see right through.  
  
  All the hurt and the pain, she could see it clearly.

  “Let’s just go to the store instead and pick something out. I think it’ll save us time.”

  She didn’t answer right away but when she did, my heart began to ache more.

  “You don’t have to hide any of that from me...or yourself either.”

  I was at a loss for words and I was sure she knew this.

  She took my place on the bed, inhaling deeply after doing so.

  “Can we talk? For just a little? At least before we do go to the store?”

  I didn’t say no.

  I got settled by her side and when her hand found mine, we began to talk.

  
  We talked for what felt like hours, mostly going on about my life until she felt comfortable enough to talk about her own. We didn’t go into depth just yet—we wanted to save all of those feelings for later. All I did was fill in the rest of the blanks for her, giving her the insight to who I used to be and how I’d changed. She dwelled on my words for awhile until she finally gained the courage to talk about herself.

  Historia, the woman I thought of as being heartless, had spent the first few years after her departure looking for me.

  With every phone call and visit she made, she had gained some sense of hope. 

  "The phone book was pretty much my best friend. I carried it around like it was nothing."

  She did get in touch with a few of my friends due to her determination. Unfortunately, they hadn’t heard a thing from me at the time. My younger cousin, Isle, had also been in town at the time and Historia mistook her for me. But again, Isle hadn’t heard a thing regarding me and my obligations either.

  Historia admitted that she began to give up soon after she hit this second wall. Her feelings of regret and her overabundance of doubts had gotten to the best of her, putting her in a good solid month of sadness before she began to fall apart.

  Hearing this all, I understood that she experienced just as much heartbreak as I did. It had just been pain from being on the other end of it. She had gone through her phases of joy and sorrow and she had also gone through her phases of self-hate and self-harm.

  My reaction to this made her retract her words so that she could put them in a better way.

  “I never physically hurt myself. I...I could never do that.”

  And so I, sort of, accepted this. When she went on to explain what she meant by this, I realized just how pitiful her life truly was. Her childhood, her adolescence, and then her youth all being soiled due to her own decisions and others.

  She said that she had spiraled out of control, Reiner becoming the person to talk to whenever things got too much. She also said that she prayed for some kind of distraction so that she wouldn’t boil over.

  And she got it.

  “I met his brother the summer I went visit my parents. It didn’t even cross my mind that they were related. I didn’t like him at first. I don’t think many people did. Then after a moment of talking and...um...messing around, I figured that maybe this was what I needed. Someone to love. I wouldn’t have any more issues.”

  It was interesting to hear her thoughts. Even though I didn’t necessarily like them.

  She talked about the day Heidi was born, how she had gotten feeling that all the future chances she could’ve possibly had with me had gone down the drain because she decided to get married and get pregnant also.

  “Everyone thought it was great. I thought it was a mess. But still, I hung on. I didn’t want to hurt anybody else.”

  And she didn’t.

  It was just that she was hurting herself.

  She said that her marriage was good for a while until she realized how bad things were getting. She was always left alone in the house she once loved, Heidi always at her hip. There was never any talking, never any love. It even got to the point that Heidi didn’t even think of her father as being her father.

  I could see this, I could understand how damaging this was.

  The first few years of my life had been this way but, luckily, I still had the support of my grandfather. All the fighting and yelling had fallen on deaf ears, the sight of my mom leaving never meant too much, and the look my dad gave when he did the same never did a thing to my heart.

  I was lucky, Historia wasn’t.

  This was why she fought so hard to keep her and this man together so that cycle that ruined her own life wouldn’t continue.

  And when she had failed to do so the first time, she took some time away.

  “That was our vacation. From all of that. Reiner actually invited us out too. He wanted us to see his new house and he also wanted to make sure that we were okay because he knew how much of an ass his brother was. I thought that it was going to be just another shitty trip that solved nothing but...I guess was wrong because I met you again.”

  After she said these things, I went onto finally speak.

  “So it was a wish come true, huh?”

  She let her head rest in my lap, her arms still hidden within the big t shirt she still wore.

  She looked up at me. “Wasn’t it one for you too?”

  I thought back to that day, that dark morning, and heaved a sigh.

  “Yes...and no.”

  She didn’t ask for any clarification.

  She knew what I meant because I was still healing and she was too.

 

**+**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ps.   
> im not dead! (and this fic isn't either lol)  
> updates won't be as frequent due to school but i'll still do my best to keep up 
> 
> thanks again for reading and giving all the lovely comments and kudos!


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